RANDOM THOUGHTS

This is a little web journal I am going to try to keep. I thought I might add things regularly to it, but I'm too lazy for that. So then I thought I would put little funny observations in it, but I'm not witty enough for that. So instead you get this: random thoughts, occationally updated. Enjoy.



TUESDAY 12.30.03

I'm back in San Jose blah blah blah let's get right to it. In the news:

MAYBE COMM WASN'T A WORTHLESS MAJOR: A Microsoft spokesman was recently quoted as saying that "PowerPoint doesn't kill meetings. People kill meetings. But using PowerPoint is like having a loaded AK-47 on the table: You can do very bad things with it."

Amen to that, brother.



WHY I (HEART) NY: The New York Post leads today's paper with a story about the police brushing off Michael Jackson's claim of brutality during his arrest. I love it.



THE BOLDEST NEWSPAPER I SAW: The fine folks at one of our sister newspapers put out a Christmas Day edition that was, uh, bold. I'd say it must have been a slow news day, but look... way at the bottom: "MAD COW SCARE" and "TERRORISM"

I guess maybe nobody in Kansas is really interested in the beef industry? I dunno.



WEDNESDAY 12.24.03

MONTPELIER STATION, VA -- Tonight I watched both the Hour of Power Christmas Spectacular Live from the Crystal Cathedral and It's a Wonderful Life. Together, the Rev. Billy Graham and Jimmy Stewart helped me realize the true meaning of Christmas: Mass-market entertainment!

Who in this country doesn't know what comes after "Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?" The Crystal Cathedral tech crew put the lyrics up on the screen for all the hymns - but not for Winter Wonderland. But if you think about it, who really knows the words to all those boring church-y songs? Nobody, that's who. Without the lyrics to the hymns it would be a silent night indeed. But Perry Como? No lyrics needed, my friend!

It's a Wonderful Life was, as always, wonderful. Thank you NBC! I now forgive you for airing National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2 last week. (That was NBC, right? Must have been, I don't watch any other channel.) Anyhoo, Jimmy Stewart - he's great. When you hear him talk it just sounds like an honest-to-God movie. I can't come up with a good way to get out of this post, but then, it was pretty rambling anyway. (Rambling! Rambling! Man, I'd have been great on that show. Yikes. It's getting worse. I'm out.)

Merry Christmas Eve everybody!



SATURDAY 12.20.03

4:45 A.M.
SAN JOSE STILL EVEN THOUGH IT SHOULDN'T BE -- Apparently yesterday was a bad day for Planes Taking You To Where You Are Going at Mineta San Jose International Airport as well. My flight out was delayed 3 hours... meaning that no matter what I wasn't getting to Charlottesville. The United people wanted me to get on the plane and then wait in Charlotte overnight and take a flight to C'ville in the morning. Yeah. No.

So I came back home, took a nap, and went to Kellie's Christmas party in San Francisco. I got back about 30 minutes ago and will head to the airport for another try at 5:00 a.m.

Good times.



FRIDAY 12.19.03

10:15 A.M.
SAN JOSE -- Welcome to another edition of "The Airport Blog." Thank you for joining us.

I like to consider myself somewhat technically adept. Witness this lavish Web site. So when I got to the airport I headed for United's electronic Easy Check-In. No Delta for me this time, no sir! I zipped through the automated check-in process and in less than two minutes I had my ticket in hand. One problem. I still had my bag. Crap. What do I do with my bag? Crap.

I checked in at the wrong kiosk. If I have a bag to check I have to stand in a line. Geeze, you'd think I could read -- wait. Turns out I CAN read. The sign by the carry-on only kiosks says "Check your bags here" while the sign by the line to check bags says "Carry-on Only." The woman in front of me has made the same mistake -- she read the sign.

So the United guy re-checks me in with my bag. I say, "You know, your signs are mixed up." He chuckles, says "I know" and shakes his head.

Me: "No, seriously." He moves on to the next person, who has also screwed up their check-in. I go move the signs.

I walk down to the security checkpoint. They've reconfigured it because there used to only be two metal detectors. Now they have four. Of course, only one is open... so the advantage is lost. I get through the checkpoint and on the other side is a woman talking so herself aloud.

"How the hell are you supposed to get out of here," she says, standing next to a large sign that reads "<--EXIT."

It's a bad day for signs at Mineta San Jose International Airport.



FRIDAY 12.12.03

Not to be outdone by last week's Sun-Times, today we put Christmas lights on our nameplate.



THURSDAY 12.11.03

So it's almost 2004 and I'm old. I realized this last night. The first girl I dated seriously in college was quite a bit older than I was. I was in school. She wasn't. She had a fancy job. I didn't. I always remember her as so much more mature than I was. Then I realized that, at the time, she was 22.

Twenty-two.

I'm old.



RED MERC: I went into work early today to attend a meeting about how we cover young people and what we should do to attract them to the newspaper. Early on in the meeting they defined "young people" as 18-30. Makes sense to me. Then I realized that I'm not on the sunny end of that demographic. Further confirming my hypothesis: I'm old.



BOTTLE FULL OF BUB: I went to Los Gatos with some friends after work. I was coaxed out of my home with the promise of alcohol, but little did I know the kind of alcohol they had in mind was served at a "club," as the kids say. Me? I don't like the clubs so much. I'll refer you to Weaver's post from last week. But we went to Mountain Charlie's Saloon, which, if you have to go to a club, isn't so bad. It felt very Colorado-esque, if that makes any sense.

ANYWAY: There were more white people there than I have ever seen in a club. Granted. Haven't been to that many. But even in Indianapolis -- INDIANAPOLIS -- I didn't feel so white. Seriously, I didn't know there were that many white people in the entire state.

ALSO: My friend Grace's roommate at one point asked if I was Jewish. Why does everyone think I'm Jewish? Seriously?

PLUS: Grace kept asking if I was going to write about going to the club in my blog.

THEN LATER: Up in da club was some guy who felt the need to shove me when I bumped into him. Like Whitey McGatos was really going to step to me because I made him spill some of his Tuaca.

AND: Before Grace's roommate left she wished me a happy Hanukkah. I thought that was very considerate.

LET'S NOT FORGET: When the DJ played Sir Mix-A-Lot -- and DJs ALWAYS play Sir Mix-A-Lot -- some Los Gat-Ho at the next table dropped her pants. Class class class-a-roo.

AT THE END OF THE NIGHT: Grace's roommate, who kinda looks like Mira Sorvino, dragged me out onto the dance floor. The level of discomfort I experienced at that moment made me realize one thing:

I'm old.



MONDAY 12.08.03

So I'm driving to work today and some woman in a mini-van talking on a cell phone cuts me off making a right on red. Then I see her do it again at the next light. The good part? The "Baby On Board" sign in her rear windshield.

"I'm drivin' crazy! But you? You better be careful. I got a baby on board!"

IN OTHER NEWS: West Virginia finally got a Starbucks.

AND IN TV NEWS: The big Average Joe finale aired tonight. Who did Melana choose? The hot guy, or the Average Joe? Well, duh. What surprises were in store? None, the commercials ruined them. Can't wait for Average Joe: Hawaii.



SATURDAY 12.06.03

So if you watch the new Saturday Night Live intro (which, on a side note, has some pretty cool editing) you'll notice that about a fourth of it was shot at the Oyster Bar, where I had lunch with Dellinger and McCuan when I was in New York. Awesome.

Anyhoo, later I'm watching the late-night Saturday Night Live repeat on NBC. This one is from the late 80's and includes ones of the first Wayne's World sketches. I'm watching and all of a sudden Mike Myers launches into the bit where he's behind the couch and he takes the stairs... then the escalator... then a canoe... then an elevator. You know, the same bit he does in Austin Powers.

I always find it weird when I see things such as that. Like when I realized "The Waterboy" was just a movie based off the Sandler's Canteen Boy character. I was thinking about this for a while... and then a Toonces sketch came on and I forgot all about it.

"He drives around, all over the town. Toonces, the driving cat."



SNAP BACK TO REALITY: Jon and I were at the Merc's Christmas party tonight and sadly, but not unexpectedly, there is karaoke to be sung. Jon decides we have to do Eminem's Lose Yourself. That was a shame because, aside from the obvious reasons, I don't know the lyrics to Lose Yourself. I mean sure you've got to lose yourself in the moment, you own it, you better never let it go. You only get one shot do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime... But I didn't know the rest of it. Of course, I know all the words to Forgot About Dre but nobody ever wants to sing that with me. Which really makes no sense, what with all y'all running 'round talking 'bout guns like I ain't got none. What you think? I sold 'em all?





FRIDAY 12.05.03

Bold move by the Sun-Times today.

IN OTHER BLOGS: This was just too good to pass up:

Weaver notes in his blog that a bar is a "place where people go to get drunk" and a club is a "place where people go to get laid."

"I like bars. I hate clubs."



WEDNESDAY 12.03.03

So I don't know what is cooler, the fact that I found out A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius is about a guy who grew up in Lake Forest, or the fact that I realized I could read all related passages on Amazon.com



MONDAY 12.01.03

So it's 4 a.m. and I'm flipping through the channels. If you know me, you know I am mesmerized by infomercials. I don't know why. And the only person that can captivate me more than Don Lapre is Ronco's Ron Popeil. Tonight, he was selling his famous Showtime Rotisserie Grill.

On the Spanish station.

Yeah, you got it. I was watching an ad for the Showtime Rostisador y Asador.

Now, I don't speak Spanish. But I gathered that while many people would be willing to pay up to $400 for such an appliance, it was available today not for $400, not for $300, not even for $200. But for solo 4 pagos de tarjeta de credito de $39.95!

And, if you act now, Ron will throw in a set of steak knives Absolutemente gratis!

This is my life.

IN OTHER NEWS: I'm impressed that Scripps let the Rocky run an editorial that ripped apart one of their own newspapers. Bold.



THURSDAY 11.27.03

Just in time for the holidays: Turkey & Gravy Soda!

Happy Thanksgiving...



WEDNESDAY 11.26.03

So I found out who caused my spike in visitors earlier this month: Sacramento's #1 Hit Music Station 107.9 The End. It seems they have an online trivia contest where the Regal Beagle question was posed. Hence the spike in queries of that nature.

I (heart) Corporate Radio.



MONDAY 11.24.03

Here is a QuickTime slideshow of some of my photos from New York. Enjoy.

What? You can't take the time to download a 2.5 meg movie? Fine. Here they are in their un-soundtracked format.



FRIDAY 11.21.03

I think this was the best birthday present of all.



TUESDAY 11.18.03

Why do I keep watching Dawson's Creek? Seriously. It's just depressing.

IN OTHER NEWS: I think our headline today should have been SCHWARN IN. I should really get a job at the New York Post or something.



SATURDAY 11.15.03

So I'm checking out my visitor statistics and see that the popularity of my blog has sky-rocketed this month. That was exciting... then I realized it sky-rocketed yesterday. So then I was thinking that I must have been "Slashdotted" or somesuch. I mean, obviously I wasn't linked on Slashdot, but I thought some more-popular friend had linked to me.

After some investigation I realized that some sort of inter-net quiz must have asked the following question:

"The Regal Beagle was a pub hangout in what sitcom?"

What does that have to do with me, you ask? No idea. Until I did a Google search for the question.

How odd is that?



IN OTHER NEWS: At Delta Chi, we were never that great at sports, but it's nice to see that when it comes to putting on a show-stopping musical revue, we're still number one.

(Ok, that page is going to disappear. But Delta Chi won DePauw's Ring Sing along with ATO and Pi Phi. Note to The DePauw Online staff: Provide hard links for front pages.)



ALSO: I listened to the Monon Bell game on WGRE. That station is sounding more professional than it ever has. Kudos to them.



IN OTHER BLOGS: It seems Baltimore's Online Addiction, Miss Supamb, has called me out for taking an extended vacation. See the "Ever since honeys was wearin' Sassoon" post.

(Note to Supamb: Provide hard links to entries.)

(Not that I do.)



I THINK WE'RE DONE HERE: But I will leave you with this story from the Onion.



FRIDAY 11.14.03

6:55 A.M. MONTEGO BAY, JAMAICA -- So I'm at Sangster International Airport in the line to go through the metal detector and the thing goes off. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEEEEEEP. Except there is nobody going through the metal detector. So I stand there, waiting for it to stop beeping and the security guard waves me on. So the thing goes off... but who knows if it is going off because of me or just because it doesn't seem to work. The guard gave me a cursory wand across my chest and said I was fine. But why are we even bothering with this? I mean, the thing clearly doesn't even work and they are still having people walk through it? Yipes.



8:00 A.M. MONTEGO BAY, JAMAICA -- In my family we like to worry alot. Assuming the worst-case scenario is a given. This explains why I arrived at the airport 2 hours and 45 minutes before my flight. I mean, we could have had a flat tire... there could have been goats blocking the highway... who knows.

So this has given me plenty of time to look in all the shops - literally - and I've decided that this has to be the only airport in the world selling Official Bob Marley Rolling Papers.



2:00 P.M. NEW YORK -- What the hell am I doing back here? New York isn't between Jamaica and California, last time I checked. Ug. I'm not gonna lie to you: If you have to fly from Jamaica to San Jose, don't take Delta.

Granted, Delta is partnered with Air Jamaica, so I was served a lovely breakfast and got a free movie - Freaky Friday, starring Jamie Lee Curtis, Mark Harmon, some girl and a guy that was on Dawson's Creek for a while. And granted, I breezed through customs - despite some repeated questions as to why I was on "vacation" in Jamaica but yet traveling alone.

But the thing is: JFK has no transportation between the international terminal and the domestic terminals. So I had to schlep all my luggage over to the Delta terminal. Which was a good 10 minute walk. With three bags. Outside. In the cold. Then I had to re-check all my stuff for the trip to San Jose. In case I forgot to mention: If you have to fly from Jamaica to San Jose, don't take Delta. (But did you like my use of "schlep"? It was because I was in New York.)



6:30 P.M. ATLANTA -- Seriously. If you have to fly from blah blah blah, don't take Delta. I mean, could they possibly arrange a worse itinerary? Because I'm thinking that Atlanta, again, last I checked, is between New York and Jamaica. So I flew over Atlanta, landed in New York and then flew back to Atlanta. Holy crap.



8:00 P.M. STILL ATLANTA -- Holy crap indeed. This flight was supposed to leave at 7:00... but we sat out on the tarmac waiting for an indicator light to be fixed. They couldn't fix it on the tarmac so now we're back at the gate.

Meanwhile, my parents, are now in the airport here having dinner at Chili's. They left Jamaica a good six hours after I did... but now we're in the same place. I swear to you: If you blah blah don't blah Delta.



9:30 SOMEWHERE OVER MISSISSIPPI -- We finally took off. We're two hours behind schedule, but to show how sorry they are, the Delta crew handed out free headphones for the in-flight movie. Sweet! Except... the in-flight movie is Freaky Friday, starring Jamie Lee Curtis, Mark Harmon, some girl and a guy that was on Dawson's Creek for a while.



11:50 P.M. SAN JOSE -- Home. Finally. United Airlines would have never done this to me, I just know it.

They would have found a much more creative way to screw me.



SUNDAY 11.02.03

Well, we're going to take a little blog break here, but, in the words of California's governor-elect: I'll be back.



FRIDAY 10.31.03

MONTPELIER STATION, VA -- So it's Halloween and here I am with no Halloween party to go to. Suck. And I had a great costume ready to go: Steve Bartman. Man, it would have been great. GREAT I tell you.

Great until Richard Roeper called me a moron. Ok, he didn't call me a moron. But in a column he said I should "Give it up! Come up with something else. You might believe you came up with a moderately clever idea -- but guess what, about 10,000 other people are working with the same concept."

Ouch.

But then I was thinking that while that's certainly true in Chicago... had I still been in New York it would have been a total riot. I was thinking that until I read this story in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution about some woman in Brooklyn who was trying to order the sweatshirt Bartman was wearing at the game. DAMN IT!

I guess it's just as well I don't have a party to go to.

BUT SPEAKING OF NEW YORK: I had a great time. Which surprised me. I mean, I figured I'd have a good time, mostly because I have a lot of friends there. In 5 days I saw Dan and Angie and Lauren and Sniers and Mary Anne and Andrea and Claus and Dellinger and McCuan and Anders and Brigitte... whew. That's a lot of people.

But the thing was I thought I wouldn't like New York The City. But really, I loved it. I mean, it was really great. This is in contrast to Los Angeles, which I thought I'd love but, after visiting, hated.

At the time of my L.A. trip, I thought that maybe I just wasn't a "big city" person. Sure, I liked Chicago... but there are other factors there. Sure, I liked D.C., but I like the political intrigue. In my heart, I was a small-town guy.

But getting off the train in Fredricksburg, my mom and I drove around town trying to find a place to eat. I kept thinking to myself that I couldn't go back to doing that. In big cities there is good food everywhere. "But not down-home cooking" you say? Pish-tosh! We ate at a little place in Brooklyn that had some of the best ribs and cornbread that I've had in a while. Thai food as good as California? Check. Friendly neighborhood pubs with free darts? They got that AND an efficient public transportation system.

Ug. This whole "New York is a cool place" concept is really rocking my belief system.



TUESDAY 10.29.03

NEW YORK -- Celeb sightings abound! I saw Courteney Cox "Arquette" of TV's "Friends" and David Arquette of... um... Eight Legged Freaks? Anyway, they were coming out of the Ed Sullivan theater after being on the Late Show. Dave also blew up a pumpkin on 53rd Street, but all I saw was the pumpkin aftermath.

But we were talking about celeb sightings and YESTERDAY I saw Cynthia Nixon of HBO's "Sex and the City."

That was unfortunately anti-climactic. And I suppose the fact that I went with some friends to a great Thai restaurant in Brooklyn doesn't up the entertainment value either.



SUNDAY 10.26.03

NEW YORK -- I ran into a friend of mine from college on the street in Brooklyn today. Awesome.



SATURDAY 10.25.03

NEW YORK -- So I'm in New York, clearly. We run onto some actress from Third Watch. My friend Dan is in the film bidness so he knows her. She's with some guy who asks where I'm from. I say San Jose and he says, "Oh! Texas!" I say I'm actually from San Jose, California. He apologizes and says he must be thinking of Santa Fe.

Right.

IN OTHER NEWS: The Yankees lost the World Series to the Florida Marlins. How lame. I mean sure, the Cubs lost to the Marlins, but the Yankees are supposed to be good. We didn't even watch the game. But we were on the F Train coming back from Manhattan and saw two dejected-looking New Yorkers sporting Yankee caps and knew the outcome. Again, lame.

HEY HEY HEY! Fred Barry, TV's "Rerun," has died. As the breakout character in the hit series "What's Happnening!!" and, later, "What's Happening Now!" he brought joy to millions with his jolly antics. He will be missed.



THURSDAY 10.23.03

10:45 A.M. -- I'm headed back east for a few weeks. I'm in the security line marveling at how dumb people are. Two people go through security, then go back out to get a Starbucks. They come back and don't want to go through the line.

"We've already BEEN THROUGH!"

Good lord. Idiots.

So I go through and I do everything right. I empty my pockets. I put my laptop in the little bin. I'm not an idiot, hence I get through without trouble. But then the TSA guy says he needs to check my bag.

Do I have any sharp objects? No. A corkscrew? No, what am I, a moron? Why would I pack a - crap. How did that get in there? Now I'm one of the idiots.

11:50 A.M. -- The plane is full of people that have never been on an airplane before. Seriously. Now we are about to take off and people are shouting "HERE WE GO!" And not young people. Adults. To other adults.

11:51 A.M -- "WHOAAAAAAAAAA!!"

It's like I'm at Six Flags Over Coach Class.

7:30 P.M. ATLANTA -- Welcome to Georgia, where every freaking person is smoking. I tell you, stay in California for a few months. You get soft.

11:45 P.M. CHARLOTTESVILLE -- The one time I decide I don't need to pack the power adaptor for my laptop in my carry-on WOULD be the time they decide to lose my bag. Stupid Delta.



WEDNESDAY 10.22.03

Man, maybe I should stop hand-coding this thing. My laptop goes down for a couple weeks and the whole blog shuts down. Anyhoo...

I sent my PowerBook off to Arizona to be fixed. You'd think, living in Silicon Valley, that I could find a good place to fix my laptop, but the people here wanted $500 to fix it. Arizona wanted $175 - including shipping. Here's to NAFTA.

So FedEx delivers it this morning but I don't wake up. So I have to go to the FedEx place to pick it up. It so happens that FedEx was interviewing carriers tonight. All you had to do was show up at the place at 6:00 sharp and apply. So some guy and his girlfriend show up at 6:45. They tell him he's too late, they weren't taking any applicants after 6:00. He says he couldn't help it, he couldn't find the address.

Couldn't. Find. The address.

Now, maybe it's just me, but if you are applying to deliver packages for FexEx, you don't show up late. And if you do, you don't say it's because you couldn't find the delivery center. THE WHOLE JOB IS TO FIND PLACES AND GET STUFF THERE BY A CERTAIN TIME. Holy crap.

WHILE I WAS OUT: The Cubs lost. This Steve Bartman guy got a lot of the blame for triggering the Cubs collapse, but really... they choked. But people blame Bartman regardless. My contacts at his workplace in Chicago say he's been transferred to London. More on that later.

Oh well. Wait 'till next year.



WEDNESDAY 10.08.03

Ok, people. Fun's over. You realize that Arnold Schwarzenegger is now, like, seriously The Governor. Really. That's who you picked. To lead the world's fifth-largest economy. The guy from Last Action Hero. This is it. Vote's over. There are no "do-overs." Er... wait. It turns out there are do-overs. But still. I think one is enough.

The headline we should have run? PUMPED (over Arnold's picture) and DUMPED (over Davis' picture). I also kinda liked GOV. ARNOLD. We had a mock-up of a GOV. ARNOLD front page on the wall and, as a joke, I taped a picture of Gary Coleman over the Schwarzenegger photo. You know, because GOV. ARNOLD could also work with Coleman. That got a lot of laughs, but later somebody told me it was stupid to put the picture on that particular mock-up, since it had Arnold's name in the headline.

ME: But... you see... he PLAYED "Arnold" on Diff'rent Strokes.
HIM: Oh. I never watched that show.

And then later, someone ELSE asked if I knew that Coleman played a kid named Arnold on his show. Yes! I KNOW! THAT'S THE JOKE! Sheesh.

IN OTHER RECALL NEWS: Schwarzenegger, who ran against 130-some-odd candidates, managed to get a higher percentage of the vote than Davis did when he was elected last year. And Davis was only running against one guy. That guy, Bill Simon, picked up 7,443 votes this time around -- 4,776 votes less than Gary Coleman and 7,277 votes less than Larry Flynt. Simon did, however, manage to beat Gallagher.

He also beat Darrell Issa, the guy that started the whole recall in the first place. Issa only got 457 votes. Granted, he dropped out. But then, so did Simon.

The big loser? Todd Lewis, who came in with a mere 165 votes. The big winner? George B. Schwartzman, a businessman from Carlsbad. This dark-horse was the ninth most-popular candidate with 10,315 votes. His campaign strategy? Be next to Schwarzenegger on the ballot. Where's Katherine Harris when you need her?

ON A SIDE NOTE: Katherine Harris' biography makes no mention of her role in the 2000 election. Odd. But not as odd as her photo.

IN SPORTING NEWS: Cubs lose. Cubs lose.



TUESDAY 10.07.03

This is it. Big California recall vote today. The only thing I can hope for is that we know who won tonight. I'm really not ready for "Recall on Hold" or, Godforbid, "Recall Recount."

IN OTHER NEWS: Remember that scene in Back to the Future II where Marty sees the sign that says the Cubs defeat Miami in the World Series?



SUNDAY 10.05.03

CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN! HOLY COW THE CUBS WIN!

In case you didn't know, this was the first time the Cubs have won a post-season series since 1908.

Happy birthday, Gram.



FRIDAY 10.03.03

CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN!

According to the Tribune, a sign in the stands during the game read, "Temperature in Hell: 34 and Falling."

Awesome.



THURSDAY 10.02.03

So last night I went to Game 1 of the A's American League playoff series against the Red Sox. If you watched the game you know I didn't get home until this morning. The game lasted 12 innings - more than 4 1/2 hours. Some of the non-game-related highlights:

I'm driving Brockett's car to the BART station because she was over-served at Chili's before the game. Her car is a green VW Beetle and she felt the need to have the Dixie Chicks blasting from the speakers as I was driving. At a red light, I felt the need to explain to the driver next to us that "this isn't my car" and "this isn't my CD." Of course, the windows are up so she can't hear me. Just as well, because as usual I'm just making an ass of myself.

The light then turns green and I start to drive off but the driver then honks and makes some sort of motion. She's flipping me off... getting her gun... I don't know.

So we drive around looking for a parking space at the station and end up parking in a shopping mall down the street. We buy our BART tickets and sit down on the train and the woman sitting in front of us is the SAME WOMAN I WAS MAKING AN ASS OF MYSELF TO AT THE STOP LIGHT. This stops being interesting here so...

We get to the Coliseum (Officials would like you to call it "the Net." Nobody does this.) and I'm wearing my Cubs hat in the misguided hope that it will aid the Cubbies in their game against the Braves. (It doesn't. Cubs lose. Cubs lose.)

I'm walking to the gate and some snot-nosed kid sees my hat and says "Go Cubs" in his best retarded kid/Special Ed voice. I'd have punched that kid in the mouth but his parents were there. So I punched them in the mouth instead. Ok, I didn't. But what kind of parents let their kid pull that kind of crap?

The Navy does a fly-over for the National Anthem. We're sitting in the second row -- and of course by "second row" I mean "second from the top." The announcer warns us before the anthem begins that they'll be doing a fly-over, but everybody knows this because the jets have kinda been circling around. Well, maybe everybody doesn't know this, but everybody in the top row knows this because we can see them off in the distance.

Regardless, I thought the warning was a bit unneeded. I though this right up until, out of freaking NOWHERE, two F-14s come screaming over our heads. And I mean RIGHT over our heads.

RIGHT.

We could've roasted a brat in the the after-burners they were so close.

Anyway, it was the scariest thing I have seen in a long time, and the guy TOLD US IT WAS COMING. I mean, you don't even hear them. They're just suddenly THERE. And then you REALLY hear them. I'll tell you what: If you lived in Jalalabad you would be pretty freaked out by those damn things.

Somewhere around the 10th inning, a Red Sox fan moons the stands. Classy, Boston. Class class class-a-roo.



WEDNESDAY 10.01.03

CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN!

My favorite stat from last night's game: "Wood recorded 11 strikeouts, breaking the Cubs' postseason record of 10 that Orval Overall set in Game 5 of the 1908 World Series. He also went 2-for-4, finishing with as many hits as he gave up."

IN OTHER NEWS: The Hartford Courant had a tremendous story this morning: Telemarketing Execs On Do-Not-Call List. Awesome.



TUESDAY 09.30.03

So I'm trying to book a flight on Delta and the Delta Woman, who kinda sounds like Miss Cleo, has my return trip taking a good 15 hours. I think, "This can't be right." So I research the flight information and call back, thinking I have found a better way and, even if I haven't, maybe a different person can get me a better flight schedule. I mean, I was on the same flight last year and it only took me 9 hours...

So I call back... and I get Miss Cleo again! What the hell are the chances of that?

Stupid airlines.



MONDAY 09.29.03

Jeffy sent this to me the other day:

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?



SATURDAY 09.27.03

The Cubs are the 2003 NL Central Division Champs. Holy Cow!



FRIDAY 09.26.03

Here are some photos from Josh's wedding. (Josh works at the Merc.)

You know, I'm always amazed by what people will wear to a wedding. I mean, if you aren't getting dressed up for a wedding, what are you getting dressed up for?



THURSDAY 09.25.03

Last night on C-SPAN I saw a speech General Clark gave at DePauw. (RealPlayer) So it was weird that I kinda stumbled onto that. But what was even more weird was that this was the first time I had ever seen Clark speak. And the first time I saw a reporter ask him a question the reporter was from The DePauw. Very odd.

IN OTHER NEWS: The St. Petersburg Times had a story today about Harrods selling Krispy Kreme doughnuts in its department stores. The headline: "Haute doughnuts now"

MEANWHILE: The Cleveland Plain Dealer gave us an excellent example of what happens when designers and copy editors don't work together.



TUESDAY 09.23.03

Why didn't you watch Las Vegas last night?

Seriously. Why?



MONDAY 09.22.03

So this morning I was dreaming that I was on a talk show discussing the inner-workings of the New York Stock Exchange and how they differ from that of the NASDAQ.

Seriously, I really gotta stop tuning my alarm clock to NPR.



SATURDAY 09.20.03

So I got my California Statewide Special Election Official Voter Information Guide in the mail yesterday. Some of the highlights from the candidate statements:

Joel Britton -- Independent
"I'm for a workers' and farmers' government, which will abolish capitalism in the U.S. and join in the worldwide struggle for socialism."

Warren Farrell -- Democrat
"My recent research has uncovered why children raised by single dads do better than children raised by single moms; why men now earn less money than women for the same work; why out sons now do worse in school than our daughters ... These finding, evolving from thirty years of research in my books, including Father and Child Reunion and Why Men Are the Way They Are, are deemed too politically incorrect for mainstream candidates to discuss. Thus they policy implications are ignored."

Larry Flynt -- Democrat
"California is the most progressive state in the union and I'm sure its citizens would welcome having a smut peddler who cares as their Governor."

Rich Gosse -- Republican
"Single adults are the Rodney Dangerfields of our society. They "can't get no respect." I am the first candidate in California history to campaign on a Fairness for Singles Platform."

Ralph A. Hernandez -- Democrat
[I'm not going to excerpt much of anything, but I wanted to note that he used no less than nine (9) exclamation points in his statement and listed one of his qualifications as "adopted puppy and kitten into our family."]

Michael Jackson -- Republican
[Again, no excerpts. But... yeah.]

Trek Thunder Kelly -- Independent
"Dear Voters, Please vote for me, thus breaking the Seventh Seal and incurring Armageddon. I will legalize drugs, gambling and prostitution."

Edward "Ed" Kennedy -- Democrat
[Again... yeah.]

Paul Moriano -- Democrat
"I am the only candidate who will appoint Davis as Chief of Staff in charge of the day-to-day governance of California."

Bill Prady -- Democrat
"Bill Prady is an award-winning television comedy writer and producer who will bring the skills he's learned creating sitcom episodes to Sacramento. If elected, he pledges to solve all the state's problems in twenty-two minutes and forty-four seconds with two commercial breaks and a hug at the end."

Kevin Richter -- Republican
"I breathe."

[Please note that is his entire statement. And last but not least:]

B.E. Smith -- Independent
"I spent two years in federal prison."



FRIDAY 09.19.03

Checking the front pages from around the country I note that the Sun-Time's weather phrase today is "Kinda chilly, dawg." (Look in the top left corner. And try to ignore the Marshall Field's ad. I have no idea what's up with that.)

And while you're at it, check out the Charlotte Observer's post-Isabel front page. I thought it odd that they left in the promo to Charlotte's Best Sports Bars.

My friend Jason focused more on the lead photo, saying that he "could maybe have sympathy for a guy whose home is being destroyed, even though he has a Land Rover. But a guy who has a Land Rover AND paid for the sun roof option? Fuck him."


I wanna convertible.



THURSDAY 09.18.03

So I'm feeling like I've lost the touch with this blog here. I haven't been very good about updating it. And the updates haven't been very interesting. Well, I guess they've never been interesting, but a couple were funny. And I haven't even had that lately.

And today I went to the Giants game with Matt and Kevin. We went to Urban Outfitters later and they had the Mr. T In Your Pocket, which is just awesome. You can press a button and it says "Quit your jibba jabba!"

See? That's the best I've got.



SUNDAY 09.14.03

On behalf of the people of San Jose, I'd like to thank South First Billiards for finally bringing Blue Moon beer to Silicon Valley.

And bless you too, Adolph Coors!



SATURDAY 09.13.03

It's been a big week:

John Ritter is meeting up with Norman Fell at the Regal Beagle in the sky.

Johnny Cash just about died when Justin Timberlake beat him out at the MTV awards. Then later, he actually did.

I went swimming at San Jose State and saw some girl wearing a Sigma Chi Derby Days T-shirt. But the greek letters on the shirt were Sigma Theta. Oops.

A friend of mine came out of the closet and now seems to be attracting more women then he ever did when he was actually pursuing them.

One of these women worked as a manager at a fancy restaurant downtown. She seemed to think that if she offered us free appetizers the next time we came in, we would return the favor with a sweet review in the newspaper. She also seemed quite perplexed when we tried to explain that restaurant reviews don't work like that.

I found out another one of my friends is going to have a baby.

And tonight I'm going to a bachelor party because another one of my friends is getting married.

Sheesh.



FRIDAY 09.05.03

WASHINGTON -- So I'm at dinner with Weaver and his wife, Michelle. Later that evening, T-Ball says that he didn't realize they were married. But then he catches himself and says, "But since they were friends of yours, I guess I should have known."



THURSDAY 09.04.03

WASHINGTON -- So I'm at the SND convention and some friends and I go out to Adams Morgan. We are at a bar called Madam's Organ -- which I just think is funny to no end -- and we run into some guy from the convention. He says he is from some dippy town. I say I'm from San Jose. He says: "Aren't you a little young to be working in San Jose."

Now what the hell am I supposed to say to that? Ok... I knew something to say, but I'm not enough of a dick to reprint it here.



TUESDAY 09.02.03

MONTPELIER STATION, VA. -- So I'm at dinner in Charlottesville and our waitress is a student at UVa. "But," she says, "I grew up in Norfolk." Turns out she went to Norfolk Academy, my high school's arch-rival when I was on the swimming team. Turns out she was a swimmer too, so I ask if her coach was a guy that used to be our coach (he quit my sophomore year and went to Norfolk). He was. Yadda yadda yadda she asks me what year I graduated. I tell her 1996.

"Oh, God! When you were in high school I was in, like, second grade."

Uh, NO! Do the math, carry the one, sister! You were in... uh... wait... Ok, fine. Third grade.

Holy crap, I'm old.



SATURDAY 08.30.03

MONTPELIER STATION, VA. -- So I'm in Charlottesville today and I'm shopping for a couple of things for my grandmother. My shopping trip takes me to Bed, Bath & Beyond and Office Depot. [SIDE NOTE: I've developed this thing where whenever I type a word that begins with "dep" I unconsciously capitalize the "p" as in "DePauw." So just a minute ago I typed "Office DePot."]

So I'm at the Office Depot and there are a ton of kids there with their parents. They're buying No. 2 pencils and graph paper and whatnot. Then I was at Bed, Bath & Beyond and there were a ton of UVa students there buying shower caddies and dry erase boards and such.

Both times I couldn't help but think: "Man, I'm glad I'm not them."



TUESDAY 08.26.03

At the risk of ripping off someone else's blog, I gotta say this is pretty funny.



WEDNESDAY 08.20.03

LAKE FOREST, ILL -- So my grandmother died yesterday. And I don't really feel like writing about that. At the same time, I feel like it would be inappropriate to just launch into some entry about how DePauw was named one of the "top 10 party schools in the nation" by the Princeton Review.

Is it bad if I don't know what to write? If I can't write? And why do I feel like I should write something at all? I mean, if it were just you and me, sitting somewhere having a beer, I'd have lots to say. I guess maybe I just don't feel like opening up to whoever Googled their way onto my site this week.

Sorry, I try to keep things light and witty around here, but some days I just don't feel up to it.



THURSDAY 08.14.03

After today's blackouts in New York, Detroit and across the Northeast, one thing is clear:

Gray Davis has got to go.



SUNDAY 08.11.03

I like that MSNBC classifies our imploding state government as "Entertainment."

What choo talkin' 'bout, Gray Davis?



SATURDAY 08.09.03

So I'm having a mojito at Stratta when a friend of mine points out that really, a bong pays for itself.

Now, granted. He would say that we're not talking about a bong here at all. He would say we're talking about a hookah, which he bought last week after we went to the hookah lounge downtown.

What is a hookah lounge you might ask? Well, it's a place -- and I can't stress enough the complete legality of this establishment -- where you and your friends can sit around and take hits off a big bong. Ok! Hookah! Whatever. If you wanted the official explanation you should have clicked on the link.

But they sell you this flavored tobacco for some amount of money that could easily buy two or three mojitos and then you sit there smoking it. Of course, while I would much rather have the mojito, this being California, they can't sell me a mojito. That would make it a bar and there's no smoking in bars. So this is a lounge. But I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty sure I saw a "lounge" like this somewhere at DePauw. [Sorry, smart-ass comment couldn't be helped.]

But the point is you wind up spending a lot of money to smoke flavored tobacco in a lounge filled with college kids thinking that with a little effort their dorm room could totally look like this place. So yeah, I guess my friend was right. After a while, a bong -- er, hookah -- really does pay for itself.



MONDAY 08.04.03

That Fountains of Wayne? They don't suck.



SUNDAY 08.03.03

I keep missing The Restaurant. And the thing is, I'm sitting on the couch watching some show about bridges on the Discovery Channel. I only get 10 channels, how could I not notice it was on?

And what's NBC doing scheduling a good show for Sundays at 10:00?



SATURDAY 08.02.03

So I assume you've heard about the big effort to recall our governor. Bill Maher wrote a tremendous op-ed about it in the Los Angeles Times.

Favorite line?

"He's the governor, not some dude you married in Las Vegas."



FRIDAY 08.01.03

So I went to see American Wedding this afternoon and it wasn't nearly as horrible as I thought it was going to be. I would even go so far as to say it was worth watching.

Favorite line?

Kevin [raising a glass to toast Jim's engagement]: "Here's to the next step." Finch: "Oh will you shut up with the next step stuff!"



THURSDAY 07.31.03

Man, where did July go?

Well, now that I think of it, most of it was spent watching Dawson's Creek on TBS. I never really watched the show when it was on, but TBS has been airing the whole run of the show in order. So the episodes are new to me, and that's very important. I have $12 Cable, which means my viewing options are limited to the Networks and TBS. Also C-SPAN. But it also means that, since it's the summer, I've already seen everything that's on.

Sure, there are new reality shows on, but the only good ones are The Restaurant, which I keep missing, and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, which is on a channel I don't get.

The rest of the reality shows I've never really been able to get into. I watched the first and second seasons of Survivor, but then I got tired of them. I watched Joe Millionaire. And a bunch of us from work watched Love Cruise. But that's about it. (Speaking of Love Cruise, does anyone else think it is weird that crazy, bug-eyed Toni from Love Cruise resurfaced on Paradise Hotel? But I digress...)

The point is, I received quite a shock today. Apparently Warner Brothers or Sony or whoever hasn't yet syndicated the final season of Dawson's Creek, because today TBS rudely jumped from Dawson, Joey, Pacey and the gang finishing up their first year of college to... Dawson, Joey, Pacey and the yet-to-form gang fretting about high school in the pilot episode.

Now watching the first season would be fine, except that I've already seen the first season because Jeffy loaned it to me on DVD. So now I'm looking at a good two weeks of no television worth watching.

And now that I realize it, I bet I've really given a ratings boost to the Creek.



FRIDAY 07.25.03

So the Gilroy Garlic Festival started today. Gilroy, which claims to be the garlic capital of the world, is about fourty-five minutes south of San Jose. Anyway, what's unique about this festival is the pervasive smell of garlic. I cannot emphasize enough how strong the garlic smell is. And I'm not just talking about the smell at the actual festival. I'm talking about the garlic smell right here. On my front porch. Fourty-five minutes away from the damn thing. Now that's a lot of garlic.



WEDNESDAY 07.23.03

Have you seen the Heinz ketchup bottles with the funny sayings on them? I have one that, instead of "Tomato Ketchup" says "Taller than Mayonnaise." I gotta say that even if the sayings aren't that funny I admire a company that's willing to screw with its packaging for humor value.



THURSDAY 07.17.03

So I went to the Michelle Branch / Dixie Chicks concert last night at the Arena. I've lived in San Jose for over three years now and never once have I felt as white as I did last night. I mean, this is town where there is no racial majority. A third of the population is Latino. Another third is Asian. But this concert was pretty much all white women. And blonde women at that.

Oh yeah, also people in cowboy hats. Lots of those.



MONDAY 07.14.03

So, in college I made a couple hundred bucks a month working on our college newspaper. It wasn't much, but I always had enough money on hand to go out to dinner every day or go to the bar with friends.

Now that I have a real job I make hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of dollars every WEEK. But yet I'm still wondering if I'm going to have enough money to go see David Spade at the Improv this weekend. My dad keeps telling me that I need to make a budget, but that just seems way more growns-up than I want to be.



SATURDAY 07.05.03

Well, Tieche is married.

This is really getting out of hand.



THURSDAY 07.03.03

Here's a blast from the past: I spent the evening with Fortt, Tieche, Neal and Stanley. It's like I was Time Travelin' Kenney Marlatt.

Also tonight, I found out that Tieche and his friends know a LOT about the Bible.

Stanley said they're like Trekkies, except for God.



SATURDAY 06.28.03

At the risk of misdirecting hundreds of Internet searches to my blog... did you read about the Supreme Court striking down that Texas sodomy law? Well, tucked in one article was a tidbit you may not have been aware of: Apparently, nine states have sodomy laws banning heterosexual oral sex. Whoah, what?! Now granted, Utah... I would have expected. But Idaho? Florida? C'mon, people. And then the rest are, of course, southern states: Alabama, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina and Virginia.

Now, gentle reader, as I've said before, this is a family publication. We will not be going into where we've broken said law. Indulging your prurient queries is not the purpose of this blog, and I refuse to go blue just to raise my hit count.

But all this makes me wonder why these states don't TELL you about this when you get there. I mean granted, if you're in the car and driving from Virginia to Florida, every state line you cross has a highway sign telling you to keep your belt buckled because "It's the law!" But I always thought they were talking about seat belts.

Ba-dum-BUM.

Thanks, ladies and gentlemen. You've been a great audience.



FRIDAY 06.20.03

Who's watching Mama's Family? I mean, SOMEBODY must be because it is on like 5 times a day. I worry that, as part of the ratings system, I've somehow contributed to its continued success. (Last night Thelma was running for Mayor of Raytown and, yes, I watched 5 minutes of it. There. I said it. But seriously, are people watching entire episodes of this show?)



THURSDAY 06.19.03

So the other day I was leaving work to meet some friends at Goodfellas. As I was walking to my car I called a friend of mine who was already there and asked him to order me up some wings. I drove over to the bar and as I hit the front door my wings hit the table.

Now that, dear reader, is what we call timing.



TUESDAY 06.17.03

Weaver has posted a lovely piece by Ryan Slabaugh about flag day. Scott-Weaver.com is fast becoming the literary magazine of blogs.



MONDAY 06.16.03

So, I'm officially a Nielsen Household.

Ok, fine. I'm not. But I AM an AdCom Household, and while that isn't as glamourous they did give me $50. And $50 goes a long way with me.

So tell me some show to watch and then sit back and let the ad dollars pour in!



THURSDAY 06.12.03

So I'm at Waves last night for karaoke and it must have been somebody's 21st birthday because half the people there looked underage. I'm sitting at the bar and some guy comes up and orders a drink. The woman tending bar checks his ID, realizes it's a fake and refuses to serve him.

"I'm sorry I can't take that," she says. "But there's a bar next door. Maybe you'll have better luck over there."

He leaves in a huff. "Good luck!" the bartender says.

I can't help but laugh. "Bar next door, eh?" I say to the bartender. She cracks an evil grin. The bar next door is Mac's.

(Shhhh! It's a G. A. Y. bar.)



MONDAY 06.10.03

Fhqwhgads, I see you jockin' me.



SATURDAY 06.07.03

Wow. I've been lazy with the postings lately.

Went to the beach yesterday with some friends and later that night we went to a midnight showing of Airplane! at the Del Mar Theater in Santa Cruz. Beforehand the guy in charge welcomed us to the theater and had people in the audience come up front and do a favorite line from the movie.

It was awesome.



THURSDAY 05.29.03

So I have a desk that is built for someone that has a computer. It has a little shelf below the desktop to put the computer tower. But I have a laptop so I use the shelf for my various peripherals like my CD burner and the subwoofer for my computer speakers. The subwoofer part, as you can see, has all the volume knobs on it. So if I'm listening to music while I'm on my computer and I want to change the volume I have to kinda lean under my desk to adjust it. It makes me feel like Craig Kilborn.

I realize that only makes sense if you watch the show. And even then... not so much. So let's try this post again:

So my friend Sal and I were at The Bar. The owner of The Bar sat and talked to us for a while. As extremely regular customers, we often get preferential treatment at The Bar.

Later, Jen, a former bartender at Katie Bloom's now-closed San Jose location, came and talked to us. She said she got a new job at a bar that hasn't opened yet, adding that it had a really cool lounge feel and that we should come hang out there when it opens.

A while later my friend Sal and I are talking about Stratta, and how we think it is the best martini bar in San Jose. One thing leads to another and the next thing you know the manager of The Grill is having a drink with us. He tries to convince us that The Grill is the best martini bar and says we should come by this weekend.

As the crowd died down, the bartender at The Bar had little to do, so he started talking to us about the new menu at Gordon Biersch, where he also works. We tell him we've never been crazy about the food they serve but that the patio is a great place to have a beer. He agrees and says we need to stop by and check out the new menu.

My point here is that in one night at The Bar we had 3 other bars trying to get our business. Now, you could surmise that this means business in downtown San Jose is really slow. I think there is a more obvious and frightening reality: We're drunks.

But after a Coke, a Jack and Coke, a scotch and soda and a bowl of chili, my tab was a ridiculously over-comped $5. So the moral here is that sometimes it's good to be a drunk.

And I'm not going to even MENTION the e-mail I got from Chivas inviting me to a scotch tasting in San Francisco...



SUNDAY 05.25.03

You and all your beautiful baby friends should go buy the re-released Swingers DVD. It has commentaries and special features and all kinds of neat stuff! This is, of course, better than the original Swingers DVD whose "special features" were largely limited to "Spanish Subtitles" Also...

CORRECTION: It seems Clayton Cox has gotten a new haircut and is back at the Duck, sans cowboy hat. The more things change...



FRIDAY 05.23.03

Go shawty.

It's your birthday.



THURSDAY 05.22.03

So, I'm back in San Jose and Shepherd was berating me that I haven't updated my blog in over a week. I guess I didn't have anything good to share. Granted, "good" is used in the loosest possible terms... but whatever.

-- I went to see the Matrix with my friend Jon last week. I'd write something about what I thought about it but he pretty much covers it in his new blog. Instead, I will offer that we went 45 minutes before the thing started and were like the last people in line. There was a whole crew of geeks ahead of us wearing black trench-coats and sunglasses. As we were searching for the end of the line I said, "Show of hands! Who saw The Matrix for the first time last week?" Nobody raised their hands. I guess I was the only one.

-- I spent a good three hours on Friendster last night. If you are a geek, (and if you are reading this you are) you should sign up for Friendster. And list me as a friend, so I have more of them.

-- I went to the beach today. Really, that makes my week.

-- Three-dollar martinis at Stratta. How can you beat that?

-- I'm watching the repeat of the Claymation Conan right now. If you missed it, I'm sorry.



TUESDAY 05.13.03

LAKE FOREST -- So my friend Jeff and I were walking around Chicago today. We had lunch at the New Original Gino's East. We weren't sure how something could be both "new" and "original" but I guess it can happen.

We then walked around the city, poking our heads into some of the stores on Michigan Avenue. As we walked toward the lake we happened upon The Grill, a restaurant and bar that up until this point I had thought had one location: Downtown San Jose. Turns out we aren't quite that special. The Grill first opened in Beverly Hills. The second location was in San Jose and the third was in Chicago. But, the point is that I was stunned to see it and so I went inside to investigate. I strolled up to the bar and was going to ask the bartender if The Grill was a chain. Before I could open my mouth she said, "If you're looking for a job you'll have to go fill out the form at the hostess stand."

Not gonna lie to you: I've been to the Grill in San Jose many times. So I wondered what about me made me look not like a patron, but instead someone in need of a job in the food service industry. I was so confused all I could say was "Thank you!"

I wonder if I got the job...



MONDAY 05.12.03

CHICAGO -- Some friends and I went to see a Second City show tonight. The best line of the night came from a sketch about an abusive moderator of an elementary school spelling bee:

Moderator: "Your word is 'compass.'"

Jewish student: "Can you use it in a sentence, please?"

Moderator: "Sure. 'Your people killed Jesus, compass.'"



SUNDAY 05.11.03

INDIANAPOLIS -- Another wedding come an gone. (Did I not mention I was in Alabama for Libby Emison's wedding? I guess I figured you would assume that.) The wedding's a subject for another day, but suffice it to say that of the people from DePauw attending the wedding there were TWO (2) that were not married. I was one of the two. What this meant was that for the first time I got the "so, when are YOU getting married" business. Yeah. I don't really know how to respond to that. "I don't talk to girls" was an answer I kinda liked but for the most part I went with a weak-hearted "ha ha ha" followed by hastened trip to the bar to freshen my cocktail.

Also while I was there I saw the bride's cousin, Eileen, who I knew from DePauw. She was a couple years behind me in school. When I saw her she immediately introduced me to her new fiance. Should have seen that coming. Later last night I was talking to another friend from DePauw who informed me that one of my Delta Chi brothers was also engaged. Didn't know that either -- some brother I am.

WAIT! I said this wasn't going to be about the wedding. Sorry. I'm tired and it's hard to focus. Well, remind me to tell you about our side-trip to New Deal, Tennessee and also about our visits to the Western Kentucky University chapters of Sigma Chi and Phi Delta Theta.



SATURDAY 05.10.03

BIRMINGHAM -- So, Jer-Bear and I drove down to Alabama yesterday. On the way down we stopped at a Waffle House. We sat at the counter and after the Waffle House Guy brought our waffles I said, "Thank you." I usually do. I'm polite. Later he refills my Coke. "Thank you."

"Do me a favor," Alabama Waffle House Guy says, "Don't thank me."

What the hell kind of southern hospitality is that? Thanks for nothing, Alabama Waffle House Guy.



FRIDAY 05.09.03

INDIANAPOLIS -- So I went back to DePauw last night. I realized that now, more than ever, the old saying is true that "you can't go back." I suddenly felt like I was my dad. He went to DePauw too and whenever he was on campus he would tell me things about how things were when he was in school. The Fluttering Duck, a bar we frequented, used to be a coffee house. When my dad was in school, it was sorta the hippie hangout. They tore that building down and built a hotel, with a great bar that retained the Duck name. My friends and I loved that bar. But, sadly, that bar is no more. It has been moved to a new location in the hotel and the old bar is now, again, a coffee house.

Insult to injury: It's a Starbucks.

At the same time, Marvin's was a run down burger joint beloved by DePauw students for their free delivery and GCBs. It has also moved. It is now next door, in a brand new sterile building. Marvin's used to be called Marvin's University Pizza. When my dad was in school it was in a whole different building on another part of campus. Now I, like him, remember a different time when it was a different place.

What I'm getting at here is that I'm now part of a different generation of DePauw graduates. Back in my day, Marvin's was dirty, the Duck was small and cramped and the Dallas Mavericks were the worst team in the NBA. Now, you can eat off the floor of Marv's, the Duck is the trendiest bar in town and you can watch the Mavs scoring 83 points in a half on their enormous HDTV. I know this doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I'm now the guy that "remembers when." And I'm having a tough time dealing with that.

At the same time, the more things change the more they stay the same. There was a guy named Clayton Cox who used to always hang out at The Duck. He had long hair and usually wore a cowboy hat. He wasn't there last night -- I assume he has found a less trendy bar. But the thing was, somebody had taken his place. This new guy also wore a cowboy hat but was a little more clean-cut. In a way, he reflected the new atmosphere of the bar. Still there... just more polished.

Oh, and lest I alarm any of my friends, never fear: the Pub is still offering $3 pitchers and plenty of, um, social opportunities.

Good God. $3 pitchers. What am I doing in California again?



THURSDAY 05.08.03

INDIANAPOLIS -- So I'm on a big Midwest Road Trip that will take me from Chicago, Illinois to Birmingham, Alabama. I gotta say though, I started to question whether or not this was a good idea on Tuesday. I was checking the Weather Channel's Web site to find out what the high temperatures were going to be. Turn out with my various locations the highs will range from, oh, 55 - 91 degrees.

Yikes.



SUNDAY 05.04.03

This morning I went to the Mercury News 3-on-3 basketball tournament. It took place from 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. this morning. Then a couple of us went out to eat. Then I came home and, since it had already been delivered, I read the morning paper.

I think maybe I need to work on getting a day schedule.



TUESDAY 04.30.03

Continuing on the geek theme, I have a Handspring organizer. Palm Pilot. Handheld. PDA. Whatever you want to call it. I keep important stuff on there (like your address and phone number) but I can't say that I use it every day. It's much more address book than daily calendar. Anyway, the question is: What did I learn today?

Today I learned that if the batteries in your handheld run out, you lose all you stuff!

Fuck.



SATURDAY 04.26.03

I'm officially an Uber-Geek.

I bought a wireless networking card for my laptop so I could use it at work. But that's boring so I took it to the mall to see if I could get on the Internet while drinking coffee at the Nordstrom Cafe across from the Apple Store.

Turns out: Yes, I can. I can even instant message and update my Web site. While drinking coffee. At the mall.

Uber. Geek.

Oh, and since I'm a Californian I ordered an iced latte, a drink I will continue to refer to as "coffee."



THURSDAY 04.24.03

So I was talking to Anders today on IM. He was wondering what kind of music I was listening to these days and asked to name three CDs I'd listened to recently. I named Ben Folds Live which was in my car, Busted Stuff which is the best Dave Matthews album in years, and the B.B. King/Eric Clapton collaboration Riding with the King which was sitting by my laptop.

It was at that point that Anders said, "I'm listening to that right now. No shit."

I'm just saying, there are lots of CDs that either of us could have been listening to. And that CD has been out for years. That's a pretty big coincidence.

What? You weren't entertained by that? Sorry, Chachie. That's all I've got for you today.



EASTER SUNDAY 04.20.03

Friends of mine from DePauw might remember the idea we had for a television sitcom called "That's Jerry!" starring a friend of ours, Jerry Munk. Jerry would get into all sorts of crazy predicaments from one episode to the next and each episode would end with Jerry shrugging his shoulders and the studio audience saying, in unison, "That's Jerry!" Imagine "I Love Lucy" meets "Perfect Strangers."

Well, when I moved to California, a new sitcom idea was born starring a coworker named Tan. "It's Tan!" was set at the home of one of our top editors, and the title character was a live-in cabana boy. Imagine "Charles in Charge" meets "Diff'rent Strokes." We imagined that it ran on ABC in the 80's right after "Three's Company." After the show's ratings began to sag, ABC tried to give the series a shot in the arm by moving Tan to the Big City. The show was renamed "The Magic of Tan" but was a critical disaster.

This week, the real Tan left his job in San Jose and moved on to the Washington Post. The imaginary series is no more. But, over brunch today, we came up with a new sitcom that harkens back to the "That's Jerry!" roots. The new show stars Jeff, another of my coworkers. The show is tentatively titled "That's Jeffy!" We'll be flushing out the rest of the cast in the coming weeks.

[Rumors have circulated that Tan could reprise his role as "Tan" a few years from now in the spinoff "It's Tan NOW!" We'll just have to wait and see what the network brass thinks...]



WEDNESDAY 04.16.03

Through the magic of the Inter-net you can now pick your favorite Kenney.

You can also, obviously, pick your favorite Marlatt. If I had to pick an early front runner, I'd go with this one.



MONDAY 04.14.03

Ok, last comment about the other night. (Sorry, I remember things in bits and pieces.) We were at a party and I was talking with someone there who, in the middle of a conversation about household furnishings, said, "my dealer has a really nice apartment."

Now, granted: I'm a square. I spent most of my life living way out in the country in one state or another. Plus, I use terms like "square." But I must have had such an undeniable look of disbelief on my face because the person almost immediately switched from talking about their "dealer" to talking about "this guy I buy pot from sometimes."

What's odd here is that I don't view the fact that this person has a dealer to be unacceptable. I'm fine with that. It's just the fact that they'd bring it up to complete strangers. It gave me this overpowering urge to interrupt and say, "Whoa, hold on a second, Chachie. Did you just say your DEALER?"

Anyway. I hear Damon Wayans is making a Homey the Clown movie.



SUNDAY 04.13.03

Oh yeah, last night I also me met a friend of Kellie's from Alaska. Who knew people actually live in Alaska? She apparently works for the Alaska State Legislature. Who knew Alaska had a government? I mean, why would they need it? It's not like anybody lives up there. I mean really, seriously, name one person you know that lives in Alaska.

See?? Told you so.



SATURDAY 04.12.03

So, I have a habit of running into people in San Francisco.

I've run into Bailey, a friend of mine from high school, twice randomly in the city. Tonight I ran into Josh's girlfriend, Heather, at a tapas place in the Mission. Maybe this isn't all that remarkable, but the thing is I DON'T LIVE IN SAN FRANCISCO. Moreover, I don't know all that many people. So I just find it odd.

In other news, I'm thinking that I need to work on getting Saturdays off. My normal weekend consists of doing laundry and playing darts at Trials. But this weekend I had Saturday off and went to San Francisco, where I had dinner with some friends then went to a party and then went to a bar, in the process meeting various and sundry interesting people. Not that there's anything wrong with darts at Trials... but I'm just sayin'.



WEDNESDAY 04.09.03

So, I realized today that I now assume companies collect data about me. This assumption goes to the point of being rather taken aback when they get something wrong. For instance, today I received an e-mail from Amazon offering me 30% off a book I already own -- and bought from them. Rather than be angered by the unsolicited advertisement dumped in my inbox, I instead thought, "Don't you guys KNOW I already OWN that book? Geeze!"

In other news, I've decided I need to add some sort of comment board to this thing... but I'm not real sure how to go about that. I'd ask for your advice, but there is no comment board upon which you could give it. Quite the Catch-22.



TUESDAY 04.08.03

You know, I'm all for voicing your opinion and speaking out about the war and all that, but my problem with all these anti-war protests is that there are never any lucid arguments presented. I mean, I know that's hard to do at a protest... but just hold some signs that say "NO WAR" or something. Instead, we get people "beating drums, pots and pans" and chanting "who let the bombs out? Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush."

I swear to you that it's true. I just imagine some anti-war activist sitting around thinking, "Man! People in Washington just aren't listening to us! And we even referenced the Baha Men!"

[Click here for Baha Men buddy icons!]



MONDAY 04.07.03

So I'm at the bar and a friend of mine said that she reads my blog. (I feel weird calling this a "blog" because it doesn't feel very "bloggish." But, whatever.) She went on to say that she REALLY wanted to be mentioned in it. I'm not sure why. I mean, lots of people want to be famous or whatever, but only like 4 people read this thing so I would think there would be better avenues for her fame-lust.

Anyway for the rest of the night she is asking what it would take to get mentioned in my blog. I turned down most of her ideas because, as I told her, my blog is a family publication. But she just wouldn't let it go. After a while I realized that just the fact that someone was so starved for attention that they would be pestering me to be mentioned was blog-worthy itself. So, bam! She gets her wish: She's in! But then as we are leaving she's all, "But it can't be anything derogatory about me." She blew it. Right there. I had the whole thing worked up in my mind and she unwittingly killed it on the spot.

So, instead, my entry will be about the crap people put on their cars.

On my way to work somebody had a license plate frame that said "If dad's driving... ...he stole mom's keys!" What the hell? Is that even funny? And, even if you think it IS funny, is it SO funny that you want to drive around with that on your car every day of your life? Seriously, if I ever drive around with something that dumb on my car just punch me in the face.

I guess that put me in bitter-driver mode because later I saw somebody with a bumper sticker that said "Don't let my car fool you... my treasure's in heaven!" Since I'm a jerk I immediately overlooked the person's somewhat-heartfelt declaration of faith and instead thought, "Yeah, well, nice Datsun, moron."

Huh. Well, I think the Datsun story was better than the bar story anyway. So it all worked out in the end.



FRIDAY 04.04.03

Good God y'all.

Don't know if you heard, but Edwin Starr passed away this week. What are the chances of that?



MONDAY 03.31.03

And now, the Dateline Timeline!

All of the following events happened during the last week in March. What year was it? George Bush is president... We're at war with Iraq... My friend Jeff is obsessed with Zelda... And I'm listening to Spin Doctors in the car.

It all happened in:
A) 1991
B) 1992
C) 2003



SUNDAY 03.30.03

Last Tuesday it was 73 degrees outside. I went to play golf. Today it is 77 degrees outside. I have to go to work.

He giveth, and He taketh away.



MONDAY 03.24.03

WAR IMPROVING LOCAL ECONOMY

As protests continue throughout the Bay Area, it appears that the war in Iraq is providing a much needed boost to the local economy. A new survey of 25-year-olds living in my apartment shows that, since the war began, weekly incomes have more than doubled.

"All the overtime pay is nice," said the survey's sole participant, Mercury News designer Kenney Marlatt of San Jose. "But today is the first day off I've had in 10 days. I haven't been able to think of any thing but war."

"Huh," Marlatt added. "Good God, y'all."



SATURDAY 03.22.03

"Shock and Awe" would be a great name for a band.

And, come to think of it, I think a friend of mine used to have a cabin up at Lake Shawkanaw.



WEDNESDAY 03.19.03

So, we're at war. I guess. I read in the paper that two Iraqi soldiers already surrendered to U.S. troops. You might wonder how that happened, since no troops have yet entered Iraq. It seems some U.S. soldiers were merely cutting a hole in a fence along the Kuwaiti border. The Iraqi troops spotted them and surrendered immediately.

In entertainment news, I hear that the Oscars are going to try and "reflect the mood of the country." What does that even mean? I just have to wonder how an industry that can't gauge my cinematic tastes thinks it has the ability to figure out how I'm feeling. Frankly, come Sunday I think I'm going to have a big appetite for some mind numbing entertainment. The sort only Joan and Melissa Rivers can provide.



TUESDAY 03.18.03

So, if I can sit down and like, "watch" C-SPAN, does that automatically mean I'm a dork?



MONDAY 03.17.03

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

According to the Chicago Sun-Times the weather today will be "Irish-like."



WEDNESDAY 03.12.03

So I walked outside this morning and thought, "It's such a nice day, maybe I'll go for a swim!" And so I did.

C'mon, people! 72 degrees in early March! Show some California Love!



TUESDAY 03.11.03

A SNAPSHOT OF MY LIFE: So I live near Japantown. There is a karaoke bar there that my friends and I often go to. Tonight we were there listening to a middle aged Asian woman sing "Stand By Your Man."

But soon we were the only people in the bar. I thought we might then take that as our cue to leave, but no. We stayed. And drank. And sang. I tested out "In the Ghetto." But what makes this even more pathetic is that at one point one of the proprietors of the bar put in a song for two of my friends. "Summer Nights." You see, that's their song. They didn't even have to request it. Karaoke lady, Kim, just put in on. This is my life.


SKYDIVING UPDATE: Craig reports that there is also an episode of WKRP involving skydiving.



FRIDAY 03.07.03

So I was watching Good Morning, Miami last night. Did anyone else watch it? No, of course not. Well, part of the plot involved two of the characters going skydiving. This got me thinking.

I only know one person that has ever gone skydiving. So why is it that on every other sitcom, the characters at some point go skydiving? As an avid fan of any show that happens to be broadcast to my television set, I've noticed that it happens an awful lot. Seriously, am I the only one that has noticed this?

It happened last night on Good Morning, Miami. It happened on an episode of Cheers. I'm almost positive I saw an episode of Boy Meets World where one of the kids thought that they were getting left out of doing stuff with dad... and suddenly kid and dad were skydiving. You just have to know that at some point Larry and Balki went skydiving on Perfect Strangers. And there was definately an episode of Saved By the Bell: The College Years where Zach and the gang went skydiving for one reason or another. And let us not forget that just before his wedding, Uncle Jesse went skydiving on Full House.

It seems Hank and Peggy celebrated their twentieth wedding anniversary by going skydiving on King of the Hill. They did it on Taxi. It also seems that there was an episode of The Hughleys involving skydiving as well. Didn't see that one? Neither did anyone else.

Now, there is not a human on this planet that could get me to jump out of a plane, but in an episode of ALF there's a furry alien that tries to convince Willie to do so. I guess Suddenly Susan wouldn't get to join the Official League of Bad Shows if they didn't have a skydiving episode as well. And don't even pretend like you didn't watch Beverly Hills, 90210. Because you did. And yeah. Skydiving. And yeah, it's not a sitcom. I know. Back off, Chachie. There is a skydiving instructor credited on an episode of The John Larroquette Show. And here's that Boy Meets World episode. Took me a minute to find it.

So who's to blame for all this madness? As far as I can tell, Maybery RFD.



MONDAY 03.03.03

Happy Three Day!


So I'm at the bank today. It's not the usual branch I go to, so I can't say I'm all that familiar with the traffic patterns of its parking lot. I drive to the entrance that is closest to the ATMs and notice that it has an "exit" sign by it. The parking lot is empty so I pull in anyway, as there were empty spots right there. I have my window down and as I pull in an elderly woman with a cane walking on the sidewalk sneers at me and yells, "Can't read, huh?"

"Ha ha!" I laugh to her. "No! I can't!"

So now I'm sitting at my computer, debating whether I should now label this woman as a bitch. I mean, I feel like I shouldn't. She's old. She had a cane for heaven's sake. And indeed, I shouldn't have entered the parking lot if that exit sign was there. But at the same time, what's it to her?

Bitch.



SUNDAY 03.02.03

So, as of this weekend, I have all 180 episodes of Seinfeld on tape.

Just throwing that out there.



SATURDAY 03.01.03

Fred Rogers 1928-2003

It's a sad day in the neighborhood.



THURSDAY 02.27.03

O NAPSTER, WHERE ART THOU?



MONDAY 02.25.03

So today I got a letter from Quiznos thanking me for my patronage.

I think I need to reevaluate my eating habits.



SUNDAY 02.24.03

So I'm back in San Jose, and all I have for you today is a "what's new" entry. You may recall I once mentioned that I wanted to put a bunch of my photos on my Web site. But I never have. Because I'm lazy. But now iPhoto pretty much does all the work for you. The march of progress has finally crossed paths with my lethargy! So, to see the photos I put up, you'll have to flip over to my .Mac photos page. There are even some more pics from my Colorado trip. I know you were just dying to see more of those.



FRIDAY 02.20.03

VAIL -- So my friend Jaclyn lives in a condo just outside of Vail, but I think it is more appropriate to call it a ski chalet. Comfy couch. Big stone fireplace. It rocks. While skiing, she taught me some cool skiing lingo like "freshies in the pow-pow," which apparently means being the first to ski a run in fresh powder.

Also, Ben put up some pictures from my trip to Boulder. He also has a silent movie of Jeff and Troy skiing and another one of Jeff rock climbing.

And finally, movies currently in Jaclyn's condo:
The Wedding Singer
The Wedding Planner
My Best Friend's Wedding
My Big Fat Greek Wedding




THURSDAY 02.20.03

VAIL -- I suddenly found myself watching The Bachelorette finale last night on ABC. Bachelorette indeed.



TUESDAY 02.18.03

BOULDER -- What was UP with that Sarah Kozer woman on Joe Millionaire? I mean, does she not know that the cameras are on or what? Regardless, that show was no Love Cruise.



MONDAY 02.17.03

BOULDER -- I had another "Californian Moment" the other day. I was skiing down a green slope at Breckinridge when my friend Ben called my cell phone to tell me where to meet for lunch. Rather than stop and answer the phone like a normal person, I continued skiing down the slope, held my poles in one hand, took off my glove, fished around for my cell phone and had a conversation as I continued skiing. Of course, this was not a problem for me at all, but I did get some odd looks. Later, while getting in line for a lift, I randomly fell over. I guess I had used up all my don't-fall karma.



THURSDAY 02.13.03

SAN JOSE -- So I'm on my way to Colorado. We're on the runway and some dude's cell phone rings. I guess he's a moron and forgot to turn it off. But then he answers it and HAS A CONVERSATION. The hell? People start telling him that he'd better turn it off. He brushes them off. Finishes his conversation and hangs up. People tell him he can't use the phone during the flight.

"What? At all?"

YES. Is this your first time on an airplane? Good lord.


SOMEWHERE OVER CALIFORNIA -- The in-flight movie is "iSpy." This is not a good movie. It's made worse by the fact that throughout the movie, Eddie Murphy's character keeps saying "stuff." As in, "What is all of this stuff?" and "What the stuff is this?" and "That's total bullstuff."



MONDAY 02.10.03

So I'm sick today. I went to Walgreen's to get a prescription filled and they said it would take them about 15 to 20 minutes. While I'm waiting I decide that rather than fall into the trap of purchasing crap I don't need just because I have nothing else to do, I'm going to catalog some of the items the good folks at Walgreen's have for sale.

This isn't really "funny" or "entertaining" as much as just "true."

-- Deluxe Instant Ear Thermometer Gift Set. Includes "Chomper," a purple dinosaur plush toy. Not to be confused with "Barney." Packaging says the gift set is "A great holiday gift!"

-- Stauffer's Animal Crackers.

-- A diet shake called SLIM FOR LE$$.

It is at this point that my goal of not purchasing things I don't need fails, and I pick up the current issue of Entertainment Weekly, featuring the top 25 episodes of the Simpsons. They are the Best. Episodes. EVER. I continue to browse.

-- A pair of boxers that say "Honey, BEE mine!" (It says bee and there's a picture of a bee on it!)

-- Deluxe Magic Stretch Gloves. "Fits Adults!"

-- The toy section includes iSpider, "The Electronic Insect of the Future." I'm slightly frightened by this.

-- And, finally: Singin' and Swayin' Ray Charles with various features including "Head and Body sway back and forth, just like Ray!" and " 'Little Ray' does a signature move at the end of each song."

I don't even want to know what that means.



SATURDAY 02.08.03

So I have nothing witty to report, but my friend Shepherd does. Read his Feb. 7 entry. And I will take this opportunity to point out that I designed my Web site first. Again, I'm not sayin'... I'm just sayin'. Shepherd's a buddy of mine from school. But you should know that, because you regularly check out my list of online buddies and pals.



THURSDAY 02.06.03

So National Geographic has a swimsuit issue.

What??



MONDAY 02.03.03

So, am I the only one who thinks Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott sounds like a character from Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?



SATURDAY 02.01.03

I can't help but think that if only Punky Brewster were here now, she could somehow help us through the Space Shuttle tragedy.



THURSDAY 01.31.03

So do you think our president has read this book?

Please note: This is an actual book. I saw it at Border's today. It is not some fanciful satire. This is how we are educating The Masses as we prepare for war.



THURSDAY 01.23.03

Actress Nell Carter passes away today.

Carter starred as a feisty, over-weight housekeeper, who helped a recently widowed police captain raise his family in the hit series "Gimme A Break!"

Let's hope she finally got her piece of the cake.



THURSDAY 01.16.03

So you can call me Bob Frickin Vila. I just installed not one but TWO dimmer switches in my house.

And it took not two but just ONE call to my dad.



SUNDAY 01.12.03

So today a couple of my friends came over to grill burgers and watch the NFL playoff games. I don't even really watch football. Which leads me to wonder, "How did that happen?"



SATURDAY 01.11.03

So the other day I had a very Swingers-esque moment to kick off my New Year.

After seeing Lewis Black at the Improv, some friends and I went out for a drink. We first hit the Katie Bloom's Irish Pub and then moved on to a bar that we frequent quite regularly. As my friend Tim and I had yet to finish our beers, we lagged behind the rest of the group. When we got to what I will refer to as "Our Bar," some bozo at the door said that it was already last call and he couldn't let us in. US! Didn't he know who we were? We go there ALL THE TIME. My friend Tim and I exchanged shocked glances, but since we were tired we didn't fight it. As we walked away, the bozo says, "Why the long faces, dudes? I couldn't even get a drink after last call!"

That's when I realize this guy is a total clown. "Oh, now we're going," I say. We turn the corner and enter a restaurant, which is closed. We walk through their darkened patio, saying hi to the wait staff cleaning up, and exit into the ally behind Our Bar. The manager of Our Bar happens to be standing by the back door having a smoke. "Hey guys, what's up?" Nothing was up. Just looking for a beer. No problem! "And lemmie get the door for you, the lock is fickle like a woman."

So we get in the back door. Which would have been a good story by itself. But when I tried to pay for my beer the bartender, who I also know, said it was on the house. So not only could I get a beer after last call, I could get a FREE beer after last call. I wanted to go offer to use my "juice" to get the bozo at the door a beer as well, but Tim suggested that maybe that wouldn't be wise.

Of course, this all goes back to an earlier hypothesis that maybe I go to the bar too much.



TUESDAY 12.31.02

Last post of the year. We've been through so much together this year that it's really hard to know what to say. Maybe a song can say it best.

I never spent much time in school
But I taught ladies plenty.
It's true I hire my body out for pay, hey hey.

I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs,
Blown up for Raquel Welch.
But when I wind up in the hay it's only hay, hey hey.

I might jump an open drawbridge,
Or Tarzan from a vine.
'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman
that makes Eastwood look so fine.



MONDAY 12.30.02

So I got a new PowerBook for Christmas. Well, not really new -- it was my dad's. But new to me. It runs OS X so I'm a Happy Geek now. Having OS X means having iPhoto which means it's SLIDESHOW-A-PALOOZA! Er... SLIDESHOW-A-RAMA! Er... SLIDESHOWFEST 2002!

Ok, fine. It's none of those things. But here's a slideshow of Kiwis and other photos I took while I was at DePauw. And here's a slideshow of pictures I have from various weddings I've attended in the last 2 years. There aren't any pictures from Alissa's wedding in there yet. Or Dan's. So I don't want to hear any guff from Alissa and Dan. I'll get to it when I get to it.



SUNDAY 12.29.02

My Christmas Vacation
By Kenney Marlatt

I went home to Virginia. It was fun. I saw my mom and my dad and my grandma. The flight out was not fun. The trip from San Jose to Washington D.C. took 7 hours. The trip from Washington D.C. to my parents house took 8 hours. San Jose is a 5 day drive from D.C. My parents house is a 1.5 hour drive from D.C. You do the math. I hate United. I used to really like United. They gave you snacks and free headphones for the movie. Since they went bankrupt they are mean. The lady on the plane was nice. The pilot was nice. The lady at the counter was mean. She didn't want to help any of the people on the flight that they cancelled. It was Christmas Eve so she should have been nice. She told everybody that they never give people taxi rides home when they cancel that flight. She was lying. They always give taxi rides home when they cancel that flight. It is only an hour and a half away. They have given me a taxi ride before when they cancelled my flight. Everybody yelled at the mean lady. Then she gave everybody taxi rides home. Because she was lying before.

Ok, keeping up the little kid routine has become tiresome. So, United has started sucking since they went bankrupt. Or at least that was my experience. Granted, my flight that got cancelled was on United Express, and they are owned by Atlantic Coast Airlines -- not UAL. So I suppose the bankruptcy filing didn't affect them much. But that is just all the more reason for them to be nice. Anyway, on my way back the head flight attendant on my flight from D.C. to San Jose was crazy. CRAZY I tell you. Before we took off she went on and ON about how there was no curtain dividing first class from the commoners. But just because there was no curtain didn't mean we had a right to infringe on the sanctity of First Class. We were not to enter first class for any reason, she explained. The only time we could enter the first class section was if we had to use the restroom AND there was a serving cart blocking the way to the economy class restroom. AND if the First Class restroom was occupied we were to wait in the economy section. We were not to loiter in First Class. I hope to GOD that this is some sort of new post-Sept. 11 security measure, because otherwise this woman was just trying to piss me off.

And don't get me STARTED on the guy in front of me who had his seat back for the entire six hour flight.

But it was nice to be home, if only for a couple days.



SUNDAY 12.22.02

So I walked into Denny's around 2 a.m. this morning and the waiter asked "Where have you been? What happened to you?" He also knew what my "usual" was.

Now I know that HAS to be a bad thing.

[BONUS: Speaking of horrible food, here's why I'm glad I didn't attend Virginia public schools.]



MONDAY 12.16.02

So I know all the words to "We Didn't Start the Fire." There. I said it.



SUNDAY 12.15.02

So I did cut back on the beer... and enjoyed a new drink: the CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

One part vodka
One part triple sec
One part cranberry juice
One part apple cider
Splash of lime juice



SATURDAY 12.14.02

On second thought, maybe I should just cut back on the beer.



FRIDAY 12.13.02

Most people set goals for themselves but I was never really into that. But driving home from a Christmas party tonight I thought that maybe a good goal would be to become a newspaper designer / superhero. Because we've got Clark Kent, the reporter / Superman. And then there's Peter Parker, the photographer / Spider-Man. But there's really no designer / Super-Person. As newspaper design has come into its own within the profession, I think it's high time we got our own superhero. I'm gonna work on this.





TUESDAY 12.10.02

So I've just had the strangest Internet experience ever. Ever, I tell you. I get a daily e-mail newsletter called Good Morning Silicon Valley. Today there was a link to a story about a spammer. It seems that the Detroit Free Press wrote a story about him and since the story ran "he says he's been inundated with ads, catalogs and brochures delivered by the U.S. Postal Service to his brand-new $740,000 home."

"It's all the result of a well-organized campaign by the anti-spam community, and Ralsky doesn't find it funny."

" 'They've signed me up for every advertising campaign and mailing list there is,' he told me. 'These people are out of their minds. They're harassing me.' "

Anyway, I found that item funny and decided to read the rest of the Free Press column, which included an item about a guy who wanted to see what happened when you send a letter to Santa Claus. So he sent Santa a letter via FedEx and lets visitors to his Web site track it.

I noticed this DavidM guy's Web site also had a photo gallery of a trip he took to Savannah. Since I was also recently in Savannah with some friends attending the Society for News Design convention, I thought I would check them out. Reading his travel journal I noticed that he was also attending the convention. What are the chances of that? So I paged through his photos and suddenly came across a picture of my friends. What the heck? Bumbling around the Internet I stumble onto a photo of my friends?

It's a small 'Net after all.



FRIDAY 12.06.02

Show me that smile again
Don't waste another minute on your cryin'
We're nowhere near the end
The best is ready to begin!
As long as we've got each other
We've got the world spinning right in our hands
Baby, you and me, we gotta be
The luckiest dreamers who NEVER quit dreamin'!
As long as we keep on giving
We can take anything that comes our way
Baby, rain or shine, all the time
We've got each other
Sharing the laughter and love.



WEDNESDAY 11.20.02

Since moving to California I find myself using the phrase "dude."

Like, a lot.



TUESDAY 10.29.02

So I got a phone call today from Pacific Bell, offering to sign me up for caller ID. They said the feature would help stop "those annoying telemarketing calls." Does anyone else find this a bit odd?



MONDAY 10.28.02

So I went to see David Sedaris do a reading last week. He was really funny. A few weeks ago I went to see Sarah Vowell do a reading. I find this a little odd because in the last couple weeks I've been to two readings... while in my entire life I've been to... two readings.



SATURDAY 10.26.02

So the thing that really strikes me about The Haight is the pervasive smell of patchouli.



FRIDAY 10.18.02

So, I'm watching "Access Hollywood" and they just showed the entire, theater-length trailer for some new Tom Hanks movie. Not as a commercial but as part of the show. I'm beginning to question Access Hollywood's journalistic integrity.

Also, I just drove from one end of my apartment complex's parking lot to the other. At the other end of the parking lot is a corner store. I got some milk. Got back in the car and drove back. The store is one block away and I drove. I think I'm becoming a true Californian.



SATURDAY 09.21.02

So I'm at the pub and a guy at the other end of the bar yells "Hey, Kenney! Isn't that what you had on yesterday?!"

I'm thinking that maybe I go to the bar too much.



FRIDAY 09.20.02

So what did we learn today? We learned you should always give someone a spare set of house keys. And we learned that the folks at Apollo Lock & Key offer friendly service at affordable prices!



SATURDAY 08.24.02

So I went to a party in San Francisco tonight. While I was there a girl said to me, "Hey! You look like a guy who knows how to tap a keg!"

I'm not sure if that's good or bad.



MONDAY 08.12.02

So I was on a flight from San Francisco to Chicago and this woman in front of me was flying with her two sons, who both looked somewhere between 4 and 6-years-old. After the plane takes off the first thing the woman does is recline the seats for her two kids. Why? Do those kids really need the seats reclined? They weren't even sitting -- they just jumped up and down on the seat the whole time. But this brings me to a larger point -- airplane seats shouldn't recline at all. I'm just sayin', look at the discomfort the reclined seat causes for the person behind you and then compare that to your comfort relative to your comfort with the upright seat. Are we really that much more comfortable reclined 5 degrees?

Now that I think about it, maybe the airline seat is just reflective of the American Way. If I can make myself slightly more comfortable and screw you in the process -- that's how it's gonna be. Good Lord. I sound like an old man.



FRIDAY 04.12.02

I went back to DePauw for the 150th Anniversary of our college newspaper, The DePauw. I took some pictures, and since I'm too lazy to actually build a site for them myself I just let Apple do all the work. [Editor's note: Yeah, this doesn't work anymore. I guess there's no such thing as a free lunch.] You know, I've always thought I should put a bunch of pictures on my Web site, but then I never have. Odd.



MONDAY 02.11.02

Wow. I haven't updated this in a bajillion years. But I have a good story. Kinda. The names have been changed to protect, well, me. Anyway, some friends and I are in San Francisco for the evening. We go back to the parking garage and my car will not start...

So I call Volkswagen roadside assistance around 12:15. They say somebody will be there in about 30 minutes. An hour later this dude drives up in the tow truck. But he is already towing a car. He says he is going to go drop it off at his shop and be right back to pick us up. Be about 20 minutes. Meanwhile my car is on the 3rd floor of the garage. So I go tell the parking attendant that I'm going to have to coast down the ramp and I'm asking if a security guard can drive behind me so somebody doesn't come flying down the thing and ram into me.

"Why are you coasting down the ramp? That's a bad idea. Don't do that," the parking lot lady says.

Uh, okay. But how am I going to get the car down?

"They'll tow it down."

Oh, no. That's not going to work. My car has to go on a flatbed and the clearance is too low in here for that.

"A FLATBED? Oh, they are ripping you off. They charge extra for a flatbed, they're just trying to screw you! I know, I used to drive tow trucks. They're all cheats and liars."

Ummm... I don't think so. I called VW Roadside Assistance. I know it has to have a flatbed.

"HARRY! CALL S.F. TOWING! These people don't know what the hell they are doing! They are going to get screwed!"

No! No! No! That's okay. VW's going to tow it. It's free. I don't have to pay if they do it and they will take me to San Jose. That's okay! Thank you! [I hastly walk away from the crazy parking lot lady]

So around 2:15am the tow truck guy, Eddie, comes back. He asks where the car is and I tell him it is on the 3rd floor and the parking garage lady told me not to bring it down.

"WHAT? That crazy old bitch. Fuck. Alright. We'll go up and bring it down."

So we walk into the garage. Crazy parking lady says "Hi, Eddie." Eddie says hi. We get into the elevator and, as soon as the doors close, Eddie mutters "Crazy old bitch."

"Yeah, she used to own Golden Gate Towing. But she ain't towing anymore. Didn't know what the fuck she was doing. Maybe if she was any good at towing she wouldn't be taking fucking parking tickets at 2 in the morning."

Eddie has just made an excellent point. So we get the car down and on the flatbed. He says he has to go "check on" another car. So we go and find some other car that has had it's tires slashed. He hooks that car on the back of the flat bed. And Eddie says he has to run it over to Pinole on the way to San Jose. None of us know where that is. Apparently, it is way north of Oakland. So we drop that car off... by now it is after 4:00. On the way to San Jose I learn all about Eddie's life. He used to live in S.F.... moved in with his girlfriend and her daughter... girlfriend isn't working. She's on disability. She's not disabled it's just stress leave.

"She works at the Safeway," Eddie says. "But they kept moving her to different stores and it was stressing her out so she told the union she was too stressed to work. I'm doing pretty good though. I used to have a gambling problem. Love going to the card houses! But I've got that under control now -- I only go 2 or 3 nights a week. You can't be doing that shit every night, you know. One time I lost my whole week's pay on one hand. That's rough, man, that's rough. "

So he's got that under control and making good money with the towing. Of course he got fired a few months ago and wasn't working. But they rehired him two weeks ago.

"They thought I was stealing from them so they fired me, which was total bullshit. I mean, I WAS stealing from them -- but they didn't have any proof. See, what you do when you are towing is you make a run for the company, but while you are on that run you tow somebody else on the side..."

It's at this point that I figure out why, when he was supposed to be picking us up, he had another car... and why we had to take a car to Oakland on the was to S.J.

"So yeah, it's a pretty good deal. You wanna work nights when the boss isn't around. That way if you are buddies with the dispatcher that night he can field you extra runs off the books. So I was the dispatcher a few months ago and some new gang-banger is out making runs. See, he doesn't know how it works. I'm giving him runs off the books and he comes back and give me my cut, you know. But then he keeps the money from the company runs too! That fucking moron. So they bust him and he rats me out! Can you fucking believe that?"

No, I can't.

"Dude, I wanted to kill that little son of a bitch. I mean that's just prison rules. I know how it works. I was in prison. Just got out 6 years ago. You don't rat people out in prison. Not unless you wanna get killed, you know what I mean?"

I totally do.

"But they hired me back and things are going pretty well. I just got $100 bucks for that Oakland run. And hopefully I'll be able to pick up another run on the way back. It's really a good deal because I get to use their truck and their gas but I keep all the money."

Yes, that is a good deal. At this point I'm hoping he doesn't ask me what I do. I'm working on a good lie. One of my friends has been playing with his new digital camera -- snapping pictures the entire time -- I'm guessing I shouldn't say we all work for a newspaper. Not after he tells us all about his towing scam. Wouldn't want him to kill us.

I'm sure it wouldn't be anything personal, you know. It's just prison rules.





THURSDAY 10.25.01

I wish I has some funny stories from today to share. But I don't. So here is another funny story from my trip last week. So I'm in Vegas at the MGM Grand. I'm in the men's room waiting for a shoe shine. My friend Kevin runs into some guy wearing a Minnesota Vikings shirt and decides that he should strike up a conversation with this man. They are talking and Kevin asks the gentleman what he does for a living. The man says he used to be in cable, but he got fired in May. Kevin asks how long he is in Vegas. He says "oh, I ain't leaving." Riiiight. Then the man asks Kevin and I what we do. Kevin tells him that we are journalists and we work for the Mercury News.

"Journalism?" the unemployed gentleman in the Vegas men's room says. "Well, that ain't shit."



MONDAY 10.22.01

So I'm driving to Phoenix last weekend. As I'm crossing the Hoover Dam there is a Jeep behind me with four attractive female passengers. Apparently after the terrorist attacks, security has been tightened at the Hoover Dam. No trucks are allowed to cross and all cars are stoped at a checkpoint. So there was quite a line as police stopped cars one by one at a road block before the dam. But when my car pulled up, the policeman waived me on and seemed a bit put off that I was attempting to stop. So I keep driving. Looking in my rear-view mirror, I see that the four ladies behind me, however, are stopped. And they were stopped for some time because they took a long time to catch up. So let that be a lesson: Just because four young women in a convertable don't look like terrorists, you never know.



THURSDAY 05.10.01

I was wondering today, why is it that all my conversations about journalism revolve around DePauw? I work at a newspaper. A good newspaper. But yet there I mostly talk about grammar or maybe where a caption should go. But the only time I ever talk about journalism ethics or anything like that is when I'm talking about The DePauw. Odd.



WEDNESDAY 05.09.01

Today I realized that I have a lot of friends who are getting married soon. Parsons and Jill are getting married. Mike and Christina are getting married. Karen and Pete are getting married. Dan and Angie are getting married. Anders and Tarrant are getting married. Abigail is getting married to... somebody. Alissa and Perry are getting married. That's a lot of married people.



TUESDAY 05.08.01

I went to Pizza California to eat dinner today. Everybody else just went to the cafeteria so I went by myself. I get in line and there is a very cute girl in front of me. She orders a slice of pizza and a glass of wine. I order a salad and a Coke. She goes and sits in a booth, alone. I go and sit in a booth, alone. We eat our respective meals, alone. I think I should go sit with her. But then I have to be back at work so I leave, alone. I could have gone back and said "hey I meant to eat with you so I'm calling a do over" and that probably would have been half-way cute and witty. But then she left. Alone. This is the story of my life.