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"33"

So did you hear that the Rolling Rock brand has been sold to Anheuser-Busch? Big deal, you say? Well here's the thing, our friends in St. Louis only bought the brand, not the Latrobe Brewing Co. The Bud folks say they can brew the beer just as good in Jersey. Ouch. But what of the glass-lined tanks of Old Latrobe? Well, it looks like a Wisconsin brewery might buy it. If they are smart, the first beer off the line will be a new beer called Old Latrobe Extra Pale. Meanwhile, a reader of the Plain Dealer asks that Rolling Rock's new overlords replace the "33" on the bottle with a "666." Nice. SPEAKING OF BOOZE: So I'm reading Esquire's Best Bars in America feature and I get to the Best Bars in the Midwest section. I scroll down and see that Nicky Blaine's is listed as Indy's best bar (It's not. Discuss.) but the more surprising part of the review was its author: Tom Chiarella. One of my English profs in college. I'm just sayin', who knew that when I was writing bar reviews in California that I was really following in Chiarella's footsteps? (On a side note: Why is it that I had to stumble onto this myself? DePauw does a pretty good job of letting the world know every time a prof is published anywhere. So, what? Reviews of bars don't count? C'mon, DePauw. Know your audience.) They also had a list of Five Things No Bar Should Have. A quick summary:

1. Natural light. If I'm drinking at 3:00 P.M., the sun should not remind me what time it is. 2. Patrons who are reading. As cool as being drunk at Barnes & Noble. 3. Loud music. I have never been in a bar where people complained about the music being too soft. 4. Dogs. 5. Twenty-two-year-old female bartenders who "just wanna party." I already have enough problems. That's why I came to the bar.

I might also add that no bar should serve Natural Light. Ba-dum. MEANWHILE: Aaron Spelling, the producer of countless TV hits including The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, Charlie's Angels, Hill Street Blues, Thirtysomething, Dynasty, Melrose Place, T.J. Hooker, The Mod Squad, Hart to Hart, Starsky and Hutch, Charmed, 7th Heaven and, of course, my beloved Beverly Hills 90210, has died. Memorial services are planned for July. It is unclear whether his daughter will officiate. (Donna Martin officiates! Donna Martin officiates! Donna Martin officiates!) What? Too soon?

REGARDLESS, OUR BEER GLASSES ARE ALWAYS ALL-THE-WAY FULL

Well played, Newsdesigner. Well played.

WHY I LOVE ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

In this week's issue... ... they refer to The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift as "3 Fast 3 Furious" ... they have a feature on the "reality" of the Laguna Beach spin-off "The Hills" with the headline "'The Hills' Have Lies" ... they write this about The Lake House: "The Speed racers reunite in a magical-mailbox romance that's neither magical nor romantic. But there is a mailbox..." ... and they have a small feature headlined Don't Quit Your Day Job:

Will Smith's recent film deals remind us that not all rapper-actors excel at both gigs. So we recommend they make a choice... WILL SMITH: ACTOR. One of Hollywood's most bankable stars, he hasn't had a credible hit song since 1991's "Summertime." SNOOP DOGG: RAPPER. Sure, Snoop was terrific in Training Day, but how can we forget Bones? Or Soul Plane? Or The Wash...? QUEEN LATIFAH: ACTOR. Last CD: jazz. Plus, she was a marvel in Chicago, and we have faith she'll quit making stinky comedies like Taxi. DIDDY: NEITHER. Self-promotion doesn't unstiffen acting (Monster's Ball) or fix dubious rapping.

I do, however, have four words for EW: Gettin' Jiggy Wit It. C'mon!

BEANTOWN, VEGAS AND PARTS UNKNOWN

So I've had a busy couple of weeks. Two weeks ago I was in Boston for Claire's wedding. The Red Sox weren't playing, but I did get to go on a tour of Fenway, which is actually pretty cool. Sat on top of the Green Monster. Got to sit in the press box. (BLIND ITEM: Which Red Sox beat reporter has a Yankees logo drawn on top of his nametag?) Saw Bunker Hill, the Old North Church and walked the "Freedom Trail." Ate some seafood at the Barking Crab. Got to hang out with some college friends. Oh yeah ... and the wedding. All and all a stellar trip. Anyway, you can check out a slideshow of photos from the weekend if you'd like. Then last weekend I was in Vegas for Sal's bachelor party. You can also check out a slideshow from that trip here ... however there is a certain lag in the photographic timeline from late Saturday night to around 2pm-ish on Sunday. I'm having my staff investigate why there were no photos taken during that period. Some reports suggest there was a bottle of Bombay Sapphire involved, but I think it would be inappropriate for me to comment on an ongoing investigation at this time. I can, however, report that Sal and I spent Saturday afternoon at the Bellagio Spa. That place rocks. What with the slippers and the robes and the massages and the steam showers and the balconies overlooking the pool and such. On Sunday, Matt, Kevin, T-Ball and I ensconced ourselves in a poolside cabana at the Bellagio. Those cabanas also rock. To quote Ferris, if you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. They're so choice. MEANWHILE: I don't know if you happened to see the New York Post's front page last week, but for the Zarqawi story their headline was "GOTCHA!" with a picture of Zarqawi's corpse. Oh, and then there was a cartoon speech bubble coming out of his mouth that said "Warm up the virgins." You heard me. But I had a brief moment of fame on the Internets a couple days ago as a post I left on Newsdesigner was the No. 2 search result for "warm up the virgins" on Google. Awesome. (Sadly, it's since dropped to No. 5.) IN OTHER NEWS: Bill Gates said he will soon step down from day-to-day operations at Microsoft so he can focus on his charity work. A Seattle Times story quoted him as saying, "with great wealth comes great responsibility." Not gonna lie: I think somebody was watching a little too much Spiderman on his XBox last week ...