WE READ THE SUN-TIMES

I think the big headline on the right goes better with the big picture on the left.

THURSDAY ROUNDUP

NBC, reeling from the success of shows like Lost and Desperate Housewives on ABC, has a comeback plan. Sadly, it centers around Average Joe 4... Wonkette notes that while Tom DeLay may hate Cuba, but he does love a fine Cuban cigar... Gawker points us to the worst lead of the day. Raging house party? Sounds like fun, right... Meanwhile, I wish I lived in New York so I could go to fun things like Best Week Ever - LIVE at the UCB. But then I realized that I could go to fun things here if I only knew about them ahead of time...

WE'RE HAPPY. AND, COINCIDENTALLY, YOU'RE NOT.

A recent survey by Men's Health magazine lists the top 20 happiest -- and most depressed -- cities in the country. Let's cut to the chase: sunny San Jose (8) was among the top ten happiest cities along with Laredo (1), Honolulu (6), and Bakersfield (10). Madison (15), and Sacramento (19) rounded out the top 20. But what cities are seemingly filled with a prozac-popping citizenry? Whose residents are sitting at home alone in the dark listening to Sinead O'Conner? Well, rainy Portland (20) was a bit of a shock, as was Los Angeles (17). New York (11) is clearly still suffering from their ALCS loss to the Red Sox. Indianapolis (6) and St. Louis (4) cracked the top 10. Residents of Tampa (5) and St. Petersburg (3) were shockingly spiritless despite the nearby beaches. Detroit (2) proved that "D" is for "Depressed" but ... drum roll ... America's most depressed city is Philadelphia. Philadelphia? Huh. Well, I don't know how scientific this survey really is. I mean, let's conduct our own: A Google search for "Philadelphia sucks" returns only 398 results. Whereas a Google search for "Detroit sucks" returns 2,760. So you never know. MEANWHILE: In Things I Don't Want To Hear news, Defamer reports that the Creek's Katie Holmes has been seen vacationing in Italy with Far and Away star Tom Cruise. [*shiver*]

FRIDAY ROUNDUP

Wonkette shows us the fun one can have with Google Local. Pick a city (in this case, "Washington") and then pick something to search for (in this case, "assholes") and Google will return a map of the top Washington assholes (in this case, "Bob Novak"). Gideon notes in her April 19 post that my blog is, perhaps, not the best ice-breaker at funerals. Meanwhile, watching television at 3:00 in the morning, you see a lot of ads for "dating" services. (I don't know what they are trying to suggest...) Last night I saw an ad for Livelinks and all of a sudden realized, "Hey! That's TV's Evangeline Lilly from the ABC hit drama Lost! She's not looking to connect with fun and exciting singles! She's an actress! She's just acting!" Oh, Livelinks, how could you lie to us like that? You're not Livelinks! You're Lielinks! (Get it? Lielinks. Because they lie. And it rhymes.)

BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!

So, say what you want about DePauw's various television news shows, but never was there anything as bad as this Ball State sportscast. MEANWHILE: Holy smoke! Cardinal Ratzinger Elected 265th Pope. He'll take Benedict XVI as name. (Credit Doc with the Holy smoke bit... and Vic with the dynamite link... Me? I got nothing.)

HEY HEY! WE'RE ADOBE!

So remember back in the day when Adobe bought publishing software giant Aldus? (You remember Aldus, right? They were a powerhouse company that made PageMaker and also sold Freehand.) Well, the big problem back then was that Adobe sold one of the top illustration programs: Illustrator. Adlus sold the other: Freehand. In the end, Freehand wound up with Macromedia, the makers of Flash and Dreamweaver. Ok, getting to the point: Adobe today announced a $3.4 billion deal to buy Macromedia. So it's 1996 all over again. Sure, one wonders (again) what will become of Freehand, Adobe certainly has no interest in the continued survival of that product. But Dreamweaver is also an issue. It's in direct competition with GoLive, Adobe's Web development software. So, realizing that these two companies own both the premier illustration software and the premier Web development software, I would have to argue that this is a much bigger shakeup than the Aldus/Adobe merger. That was really about Adobe acquiring a decent layout program. This is bigger. This is Adobe becoming, unquestionably, the Microsoft of the creative community.

BE VEWY VEWY QUIET...

So my friend Jeff sends me a link to www.savetoby.com, a Web site that beseeches readers to donate money to the site's operator, else he will kill a bunny. Named Toby. The thing is, with a site like savetoby.com, you just had to know there would also be a www.killtoby.com.

HEY! OLD STYLE! BEER HERE!

So Comcast added WGN to my lineup and the Cubs game yesterday was rained out. This means that today a Kerry Wood / Mark Prior double-header is being piped into my living room. I'm pretty sure the day is now shot. (Update: Wood gives up a homer to the first batter... then beans the next one. Now the bases are loaded... yadda yadda yadda it's 4-0 Padres. Meanwhile, the new backstop ad is making me nauseous. This could be a long day.) ALSO: This is just the sort of left-wing propaganda that I've come to expect from the liberal media.

TABLOID FEVER: CATCH IT!

Man, even the blogs are going tabloid. Now, whether Sploid is a tab conversion or niche publication is still up for debate, but I'll leave that discussion for other Web sites.

BASEBALL FEVER: CATCH IT

Opening Day. Giants vs. Dodgers. SBC Park, San Fancisco. Hot dogs. Beer. Summer. Heading to the ballpark Opening Day ticket SBC Park It's a beautiful day for baseball The first pitch of the season (followed two pitches later by the first homerun of the season) In the words of Steve Goodman: Baseball season's underway... so you better get ready for a brand new day...

I (HEART) TELEVISION

Best moment from last night's episode of The Simpsons: After a series of events lasting about 15 minutes, Mr. Burns owns a prison. The prisoners riot.

MR. BURNS: I'll make these rioters regret their folly. This prison will make Abu Ghraib look like the Four Seasons. Smithers! We'll need electrical wire, a hood and someone who can really point at genitalia.

CUE PROTESTERS

Wow. I'm all for funny headlines but this morning The New York Post actually went with the headline POPE ON THE ROPES. Bold.