AIRPORT NOT-SO EXPRESS

Ticked-off Chicago passengers try to reschedule their flights. MINETA SAN JOSE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT -- Funny joke! They put us on the plane but as soon as we got on they told us we wouldn't leave until 10:30. So they put on "Elf." But 30 minutes into it they told us we all had to get off the plane. So I'm still stuck at the airport but now I'm too busy wondering what happens at the end of the movie to care about my delayed flight. Brilliant! The worst thing about this is that the C terminal in San Jose is about as spartan as it gets. This side of security the only place to eat is Noah's Bagles. And I already had one the first time I was waiting for my flight. But thank God I ponied up for the Internet access, eh?

SKIES SUDDENLY FRIENDLIER

MINETA SAN JOSE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT -- So I'm headed back to Chicago for the weekend and I get to the airport and they tell me that the weather is bad at O'Hare and our flight will be delayed a few hours. So I sit myself down and order up some wireless Internet... at which point the guy gets back on the PA system and essentialy says "nevermind." Huh? Whatever. Unfortunately there are not really any refunds on the Wi-Fi... so I figured I'd get my money's worth at post from the airport. Which, at first, seemed cool. But now that I've spent seven bucks on what turned out to be 25 minutes of Internet... I'm feeling like a bit of a schmuck. Mitigating the schmuck-factor, however, was my newfound elite status in United's frequent flier program. Regular readers of this blog might wonder why, after all the complaints I've lodged about this airline, I would fly it so often to move up in the frequent flier ranks. I guess that gets us back to "I'm a schmuck" but still -- I got to stand in the fancy red-carpet line at the check-in counter. And the woman at the counter looked at my ticket and said "wait, you shouldn't be in a seat this bad." No. No I should not. Thanks, United! Now, try not to go out of business.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

Santa brought me a night shift at the office -- I guess I must have been on the "naughty" list. Here's hoping you were "nice."

THERE'S NO-PLACE LIKE HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

HIGHLAND PARK, IL -- So as many of you know I used to live in the suburbs of Chicago. We moved to Virginia when I was 10, but my parents still kept an apartment here. The problem I keep having is that I invariably run into somebody my parents know... but most of them haven't seen me since I was 10. So EVERY conversation goes like this:

PARENT: And you remember Kenney... PERSON WE'VE RUN INTO: Oh my gosh, this is Kenney? I remember you when you were this [insert gesture indicating smallness] tall! I remember you used to [insert anecdote from when I was said size]!

I've tried to write a couple things in this graph that would be funny. But they aren't working. So, moving on... POST-DISCOVERED: It seems an employee of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch was fired for publishing a blog that contained perhaps one too many snarky comments about his job. In his blog, he notes that he was forced to write "hideously lame" stories and attend the weekly features meeting "which is the single most useless thing I do every week." I might note that this guy, who acts like some sort of Mellencamp fan, thinks Johnny Cougar grew up in Iowa. C'mon, guy. Indiana and Iowa, despite popular opinion, are not the same state. But the point is, there are lessons to be learned here regarding items about work and, as a precautionary measure, I have removed the posts about that time my boss killed a guy. OH CWAP! In all my Festivus excitement I completely forgot about Decemberween! ALSO: How Hollywood picks gifts for celebs.

I FIND TINSEL DISTRACTING

HIGHLAND PARK, IL -- Well kids, Dec. 23 is here again and that means one thing: It's time for Festivus. In honor of the holiday, I though we could have an Airing of Grievances... but then I realized that's pretty much every day around here. So instead, let us revisit a snippet of the Festivus episode of Seinfeld.

FRANK: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows opon him, I realized there had to be another way! KRAMER: What happened to the doll? FRANK: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!" KRAMER: That musta been some kind of doll. FRANK: She was.

So happy Festivus, everyone! A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund. "The Human Fund. Money for people."

SPEAKING OF CONSUMERISM...

So, foolishly, I went to the mall today. It was a madhouse, which for some reason surprised me. I avoided it all weekend, figuring I could go during the day on Monday and it wouldn't be busy. But man, oh man. WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? GET A JOB! Later, I had what was perhaps the most Silicon Valley Moment I've had in five years. As I was leaving the mall, I saw Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak and his daughter doing some last-minute shopping. On Segways. On. Segways. Plural. Apparently, he has several. Awesome.

YOU GET A TIVO! YOU GET A TIVO! YOU GET A TIVO! EVERYBODY GETS A TIVO!

So living in Silicon Valley is fun if you are a geek, but often I think my friends believe I can just pop over to Apple Headquarters or Adobe Headquarters and pick up a free iPod or a free copy of Creative Suite. That perception probably isn't going to be helped by the fact that tomorrow morning you can just pop over to TiVo Headquarters in north San Jose and pick up a free TiVo. It seems my favorite DVR company has jumped on the fact that Comcast's announcement of Bay Area DVR service appears to be a ruse, designed to keep people from buying TiVos for Christmas. They annouced the availability of Comcast DVRs earlier this month... but if you call to order one Comcast representatives will tell you it will take anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months to actually get one. Sounds like a bunch of crap to me, considering they told me that a year ago. But if you want a TiVo, all you have to do is drop by TiVo Central tomorrow morning, bring a current Comcast bill along with a toy to donate to the needy and they'll hook you up with a sweet sweet TiVo box. You get a TiVo. Some kid gets a toy. It's a win-win.

CHECK THAT: SICK DAY MONDAY

As I said last week, I'm sick. Still. I don't know what I have but it won't go away. Yesterday I was all dizzy and I couldn't eat, and if I can't eat clearly there is something wrong. I may go to the doctor again tomorrow, although I don't know what I would say different from what I told him before. You know, other than "you're wrong and I'm still sick."' Meanwhile, sitting at home all day has given me plenty of opportunity to watch Gilmore Girls and Boston Legal. First, Boston Legal is great. I heart it. I hope David Kelley waits at least a year or two before he screws it up. Second, I was watching a rerun of Gilmore Girls on ABC Family and the guy that plays Seth on The OC was on there. Which was weird. Good story, eh? Anyhoo, I also got around to posting my Jamaica photos from last month in a non-movie format. Those with complaints that their computers at work weren't good enough to handle QuickTime can now waste company time at will. You will also note in that post from last week that a Law & Order character called reports that the CIA ran drugs for the Contras a "left-wing myth from the lunatic fringe." Frighteningly, the author of said reports was found dead in his home over the weekend. A note on his door read: "Please do not enter. Call 911 and ask for an ambulance." Yikes. On that note...

HOMESTAR MONDAY

College radio can pretty much be summed up in 5 words: Dead air, um, dead air.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY WEB SITE?

Right. So. Sorry about that. Turns out if you don't pay those goons over at Network Solutions, they turn your Web site off. And, um, your e-mail. Geeze, next time send me more than one renewal notice. Anyhoo... it made me think of this.

LET THE RAIN FALL DOWN

So I don't know if you've been watching MTV's Laguna Beach (I'm guessing you haven't because most of you are, technically, not high-schoolers) but I watched the season finale last night and I gotta say as the two main characters headed off to college... I was a little worried about them. I mean, they've lived in the Laguna Bubble for so long, how will they cope with life on their own? I think my concerns were justified as I watched them drive into San Francisco from the airport. Their car sped across the majestic Bay Bridge ... which is odd because you wouldn't take the Bay Bridge to get to the city from the airport. But then I told myself that they must have flown into Oakland and that's why they were driving across the bridge. I was satisfied that those kids would be alright... until I saw them driving across the Golden Gate Bridge. Clearly, they were lost. Certainly, the MTV producers wouldn't have them driving across random bridges to provide better shots. I mean, this is a reality show. So... you know... it's real. So I have to wonder how these kids will navigate the complicated social world of college when they can't even navigate the complicated Bay Area freeway system. I suppose I'll have to TiVo next season to find out. (Don't have TiVo? If you had it, you could click that link and set your TiVo to record the show. Right from your browser. You should get TiVo.) MOVIN' ON UP: Former DePauw Kilgore Counsellor Sue Burzynski was just named Managing Editor of the Detroit News. IF IT'S SUNDAY, IT'S CBS? Is anyone else concerned that CBS wants Tim Russert to take over for Dan Rather? Don't ruin my Sundays, Les Moonves. Don't you do it. I'm pretty certain he won't. In part because I think Russert likes the job he has, but mainly because CBS hasn't shown much skill in picking replacements lately. Witness the fact that CBS passed on Michael Ian Black and instead picked that guy from the Drew Carey Show to replace Kilborn. No, not that guy. Not that guy. Yeah. That guy. Look. Maybe Michael Ian Black doesn't have the mass-market appeal you need for a late-night show. And maybe his spots as guest host weren't the best. But you gotta admit that the fact that he wrote about being a candidate is hilarious. But what do I know. I thought Conan was going to be a disaster. I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH: A twenty-year old ABC promo. Ok, I'm done-zo.

THE FUNNY

Not gonna lie to ya: Patton Oswalt's new Comedy Central special No Reason to Complain is some of the funniest stand up I have seen in awhile. I'll be on again Friday. You should totally TiVo it. If you're one of those "readers" however, you can check out his blog. I'll leave you with this excerpt from a recent post about Morning DJs:

So many morning deejays are laughing and giggling before they even say “hello”. It’s 6:12 in the morning. You should have a gun in your mouth.

HE'S EVIL AS A MOFO

So I've been sick all week and I'm going to use that as my excuse for not posting. Seriously. I went out and tried to buy a humidifier the other day and that could've easily been an amusing anecdote... except that I just don't feel like it. Suffice it to say I had several people in multiple stores tell me that they didn't have any because humidifiers are "seasonal items" and they only sell them in the winter. Will someone please tell me what fricking season this is? Because winter it apparently is not. Meanwhile, Mighty Girl has an amusing retail story so maybe that will entertain you for awhile. Also, the Sweater pointed us to the new musical It's Karate, Kid! If you download only one song from a musical today, download this one. And you may remember last month that the Register was mentioned on The O.C. Well, not to be outdone, my own paper was referenced on Law & Order this week:

SERENA: Didn't the CIA help run drugs for the Contras?
ARTHUR: That's a left-wing myth from the lunatic fringe.

Ouch.