WHAT A LOAD OF BULL

So as I'm on my way to O'Hare on Saturday I pass a billboard promoting Bulls season tickets that said "BULLS: Through Thick and Thin." Classy, Jerry. Now you're guilting people into buying tickets to your crappy team? "Sure I destroyed the Bulls, but you aren't some sort of fair-weather fan... are you?" Nice one. Jag. MEANWHILE IN WASHINGTON: Major League Baseball unveiled the new name for the Expos, who will now be known as The Washington Dubyas. Ok, not really. It's the Washington Nationals. Which, you know, is fine. But as long as were going with abstract names for teams -- and I've said this before -- the NBA should have renamed the Bullets the Washington Justice. Like the Supreme Court Justices. Then, since it's basketball, you could have said stuff like "Order on the court!" and "Welcome to the Supreme Court!" I'm tellin' you, it would have been awesome.

MY KINDA TOWN

CHICAGOLAND -- Boy. Turns out it gets cold in Chicago. I got off the plane at O'Hare on Wednesday and called a car service. They said they would pick me up in 10-15 minutes and that I should stay inside until then. "Bah!" I thought. "It'll be fun to be out in the snow!" I went out though the sliding doors at Vestibule 1C in the United terminal and, as the blast of frigid air hit my face, I immediately walked back in through the sliding doors at Vestibule 1C in the United terminal. Here are some quick pictures: SNOW FALLS ON FORT SHERIDAN CRAZY HAT DAY IN CHICAGO Happy Thanksgiving, everybody...

WHY I (HEART) GOOGLE

The other day I got the following error message on a Google site:

Bad, bad server. No donut for you   Unfortunately, the orkut.com server has acted out in an unexpected way. Hopefully, it will return to its helpful self if you try again in a few minutes. It's likely that the server will behave this way on occasion during the coming months. We apologize for the inconvenience and for our server's lack of consideration for others.

Awesome. WHY I (HEART) DAVE: On the Late Show last night, Dave was talking about the big NBA brawl involving his Indiana Pacers and noted that the fans were as much to blame as anybody. He added, "Did you see that guy that ran onto the court? BOOM! LIGHTS OUT, DUMBO!" Awesome. WHY I (HEART) SCRUBS: If you watch Scrubs you may remember last week Turk got a new cell phone number, (916) CALL-TURK. (You don't need the K but he was hoping people would dial it anyway.) Well, not only is that a real phone number, but apparently Zach Braff and Donald Faison have actually been answering it. Awesome.

WHATCHU GONNA DO?

The NBA came down -- hard -- on the three Indiana Pacers involved in Friday's fight. Ron Artest is out for the rest of the season, Stephen Jackson is out for 30 games and Jermaine O'Neal for 25. This means that the Pacers, who have six players out for injuries and have only six remaining guys on the active roster, will barely be able to field a team until early next year. A couple players get in foul trouble and the Pacers would be staring at a forfeit. Which means, of course, that now I'm a whole lot more interested in watching Pacer games. IN OTHER NEWS: They couldn't even wait for the month to be over? Republicans Derail 9/11 Reform IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY: This post brought to you by the song I'm Much Too Young (To Feel This Damn Old).

NBA GIVES ARTEST TIME TO PROMOTE RAP CD

So I'm at Rock Bottom watching the Pacers-Pistons game and apparently I left too soon. With just over 45 seconds left in the game, Artest fouled Wallace. Wallace shoved Artest. Artest backs off, making a show of it by reclining on the press table. Fan throws drink at Artest. Artest bolts into crowd to throw punch at fan. Cue riot and... scene. Calling it the Throwdown in Motown, the Indy Star said Artest's reaction was "human nature" and asked "who wouldn't do precisely the same thing?" Meanwhile, the Free Press takes a slightly different point of view, saying that Artest is "obviously a man in need of some serious help." And on the Left Coast, Joshua Penrod added today's Union-Trib sports cover to his portfolio with the title "Motown 'Frodown." Awesome. THIS JUST IN: Is there anyone out there who can tell me that The Daily Show is not the funniest show on television? I mean, I know the PR for that show has been out of control lately, but is there another show that you laugh out loud to as much? Maybe Scrubs. Maybe Simpsons. Maybe Arrested Development. But they are only on once a week. I'm saying the frequency pushes The Daily Show over the top. Well, that and the fact that Thursday night they had a clip of Clinton talking about "conservatism vs. liberalism" and noted that a significant part of Clinton's presidency involved "juh-ism." Well crafted. WELCOME TO THE NEWSROOM, BITCH! The Orange County Register was all over The OC on Thursday night. At one point Ryan was reading a fake edition of the paper before school and in another scene The New Guy mentioned that he reads the Register every morning. I wonder if the OCR actually printed up a fake edition for them or if a prop department made it... IN OTHER NEWS: Back in Indiana, TV's Ken Bode says TV's Tom Brokaw should run for president... and the quote of the day comes via Lindsayism from an old episode of Mr. Show: "Opinions are like assholes - I'll let you know when I want yours."

SNAP! BACK TO REALITY

Didja miss me? I was in Jamaica for a week with the family and I've posted the obligatory slideshow but it is really a cry for help. I need some sort of QuickTime expert and/or guru to tell my why that slideshow doesn't stream while one that I made the exact same way streams fine. I just don't get it. Funny story from my trip: As I've mentioned before, people are continually confusing me with my coworker Kevin. Continually. So I'm in the lobby of the hotel with my parents and the guy at the front desk says "Mr. and Mrs. Marlatt, how are you tonight?" Then he looks at me and adds, "Kevin, good to see you." Unfortunately, the humor of that was lost on everyone present. PLANE TRUTH: So, I've never been much of a fan of small children, but sometimes I realize that, really, I'm even less of a fan of their parents. I'm on the plane coming home and a little girl in front of me is looking at the flight safety card -- you know, because it's kinda cartoonish and, clearly, her parents haven't bothered to bring along anything else to entertain her. So the girl is looking at all the cartoon figures attempting to survive a plane crash but, at her young age, isn't really comprehending the situations being depicted. So she she points to one of the cartoon passengers and asks her parents, "Why isn't this lady smiling?" Now, if I were a parent -- which I'm not -- I might go with a puzzled "I don't know, sweetheart." Then I might haul out some toy or stuffed animal or perhaps distract her with the HUNDREDS OF LARGE AIRPLANES AND BLINKING LIGHTS OUTSIDE HER WINDOW. These parents instead chose to explain that the cartoon woman isn't smiling because the plane landed in the water and now she's floating out in the ocean waiting for someone to rescue her. "If that happened to you," they explained, "you wouldn't be very happy." Cue nightmares and... scene. IN TV NEWS: The Simpsons are back - with a vengeance - this month. I'm not sure which is funnier, the use of the Perfect Strangers theme song in Treehouse of Horror XV or the following exchange between Homer and Milhouse: HOMER: Beat it, Milton. MILHOUSE: It's Milhouse. HOMER: Yeah, and your father's Nohouse. Now scram. Meanwhile, Arrested Development is back as well, and I've got two words for you: "The Seaward."

BRA-VO! PART II

Doogie wins it! Doogie wins it! Doogie wins it!

BRA-VO!

I'm watching Neil Patrick Harris and Shannon Elizabeth duke it out in head-to-head Texas Hold 'Em on Celebrity Poker Showdown. I love television. I truly do.

WE HAVE TO GET THE ELECTION UP TO 88 MILES PER HOUR...

One of the election stories in the Merc today quotes a woman from the Christian Coalition of America as saying that Bush's election "is a sign of what America used to be, and that we're going back to where we were.'' Seriously, what does that even mean? Where were we? When does she want to go back to? I want a date. The next politician that says we "need to get back to a simpler America" or some crap needs to spell out a specific year. Then we could make some progress on this. Was it 1991? I'll go grab my C+C Music Factory tape and we'll be set. Was it 1986? Everbody come over to my place and we'll watch Moonlighting. The point is, I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Just as long as we can get back to where we were. And, of course, going back to where we were doesn't mean going back to the pre-9/11 mindset. Because that would be bad. So we need to go back to the past, but with the knowledge of the future. Somebody call Doc Brown.

OHIO IS THE NEW FLORIDA

Dear America, What did you just do?

WALK THE VOTE

So because my car is in the shop I walked - WALKED! - to my polling place. It was like living in the 1800's. I mean, that place was a good 5 blocks away. Brutal. But my point is if I can go through all that to vote, there is no reason you can't make it. So go vote. Or P. Diddy will kill you.

DECISION 2004

Go vote? Or watch the rest of Dawson's Creek... Go vote? Or watch the rest of Dawson's Creek...