WE'RE HAPPY. AND, COINCIDENTALLY, YOU'RE NOT.

A recent survey by Men's Health magazine lists the top 20 happiest -- and most depressed -- cities in the country. Let's cut to the chase: sunny San Jose (8) was among the top ten happiest cities along with Laredo (1), Honolulu (6), and Bakersfield (10). Madison (15), and Sacramento (19) rounded out the top 20. But what cities are seemingly filled with a prozac-popping citizenry? Whose residents are sitting at home alone in the dark listening to Sinead O'Conner? Well, rainy Portland (20) was a bit of a shock, as was Los Angeles (17). New York (11) is clearly still suffering from their ALCS loss to the Red Sox. Indianapolis (6) and St. Louis (4) cracked the top 10. Residents of Tampa (5) and St. Petersburg (3) were shockingly spiritless despite the nearby beaches. Detroit (2) proved that "D" is for "Depressed" but ... drum roll ... America's most depressed city is Philadelphia. Philadelphia? Huh. Well, I don't know how scientific this survey really is. I mean, let's conduct our own: A Google search for "Philadelphia sucks" returns only 398 results. Whereas a Google search for "Detroit sucks" returns 2,760. So you never know. MEANWHILE: In Things I Don't Want To Hear news, Defamer reports that the Creek's Katie Holmes has been seen vacationing in Italy with Far and Away star Tom Cruise. [*shiver*]